This morning I spewed oatmeal all over the inside of the microwave. I boiled it in there, and it boiled over but I didn’t realize it… Too bad I’m so short I can’t see in the microwave. Anyway I tried to clean it out as best I could, but I think I just ended up making more of a mess. Lovely image, oatmeal splattered all over the inside of our $15 microwave and me trying to reach up above the top of the fridge to clean it out; oatmeal splattering onto the top of the fridge – lots of oatmeal, I didn’t expect that much – and I hurry because I have to catch my shuttle. I should have known that with a start like that my day could only go downhill. And it did.

I’ve started getting those exams back. Yes, already, and I wish I hadn’t. Getting this back makes me want to cry, or hide, or run away. I literally failed my math exam – my easy math class that I truly do know everything in, and for some reason I failed it. Not just did poorly: I mean I did not achieve a passing grade. No scaling happens, so what I got is exactly what I got. No way to console myself; all I can do is feel exceedingly stupid for taking this class at all. It’s a waste – I don’t even need to be in it – yet here I am failing it. The thought occurs that I am actually failing the whole class right now… Which would be better, to drop it now and have it show on my transcript or just finish the class and have the fail show? I feel so stupid, how will I be able to show my face at WPI? All these smart mathy people and I can’t do Math 113. Ernie says I shouldn’t let it worry me, but this class will go on my transcript, though it’s a totally useless waste of time and (apparently) failure.

I wish I could just start this school year over again: I’d change all my classes to English major classes; I’d not have wasted time fitzing around in a bunch of language classes that I eventually dropped; I’d find an advisor that worked well for me right away; I’d spend more time with friends whatever the cost; I’d not be so edgy and disagreeable. As it is, I’m stuck with a sucky schedule and a sucky self; they seem to perpetuate each other.

The other thing: I hate excuses. I get boatloads of excuses from about half the people I know here. Sure maybe they’re all real, but wouldn’t it be better to say, “I’m not in the mood for hanging out right now,” than “I have to do my laundry (for the next 12 hours)”? Or “I’m busy right now but could we figure out a time later today/this week to get together” rather than “I have so much work to do I can’t see the sun”? I’m sick of it. If you don’t want to see me, just say so! Excuses hurt more than the truth in the long run.

– KF –

5 thoughts on “Now it begins.

  1. Stick it out…in my opinion, seeing on a transcript that you’d taken an easy math course and given up looks worse than 14 weeks of continuous effort on it and failing it.

    Maybe that’s just me though 😮

  2. Katie,

    You know i’m not making up excuses not to see you– and i figured if anyone would understand the importance of schoolwork, it would be you. I can’t keep telling you the same things over and over again–you already know everything there is for me to say.

    of course i want to see you, but just because i don’t see you one day or the day after, please don’t try the guilt-tripping tactic or making any of us feel like we’re doing something wrong by being in class or going to rehearsal/work.

    PLUS- if it came down to seeing you over luscious ed every morning, i’d pick you in a heartbeat. 🙂

    kristin

  3. I’m not trying to guilt-trip anybody, truly. I’m just writing what I feel without trying to point fingers at *anybody* at all.

    If it sounded like I was blaming you or attacking, that’s not what I meant at all, and I’m sorry for coming across that way.

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