Unfortunately, life is awful. These two exams weigh heavily on my mind; I struggle spending so much time without contact with many other people; the Architecture reading goes slowly; the mice make noises in the ceiling; despite our best efforts mildew stubbornly grows on our shower curtain; nobody will edit my story for the Atlantic Monthly; no matter what I do my friends (when I see them) find me excruciatingly boring. On the brighter side, today was positively gorgeous weather-wise. I wore a sweatshirt and felt far too hot. Also I pried some help from Prof Woodcock, my geology prof, quite an accomplishment if I do say so. A fly kept buzzing around in her office even after she opened a window. Ian and I ate ourselves down to literally nothing left (until we went to the store I’d eaten a bowl of yogurt all day).
I’ve started feeling those “don’t eat” urges again, probably as a result of having so much of life out of my control. I know that I have plenty of choices, but the things that matter most – relationships, really – continue deteriorating to the point where I feel almost like a lonely freshman again. I have also considered starting to run again to slim down – ha! Everybody says I’m finally normal, and all I want to do is lose 10 or 15 lbs. I find myself counting how much I eat a day and thinking “That’s good, I had only toast for breakfast and will eat a quarter of a bowl of soup for dinner… doing good…” Because I have spent so much time talking to people about anorexia, and that mindset, I realize that I shouldn’t think this way. But at the same time, it’s very seductive: something I can control absolutely, something that I can be accountable for. Food sounds worse and worse; after eating at Applebee’s I wanted to cry because I “caved.” I’m so tired of being unhappy and lonely. I know it’s illogical, but it really feels like if I somehow manage to get back below 100 lbs I will actually be a happier, better person. My physical fitness is at an all-time low and my weight an all-time high: terrible combination for a perfectionist like me. Something has to change, and I will have to do that changing to myself because nothing I do will make people desire to care for me or spend time in my company. Somebody said that you can’t change others, only yourself. That’s what I am slowly doing, and the worst part is my head says it’s bad, bad, bad, and don’t go down that road again! but my gut is saying Yes, do it, you’ll be so much happier; think how good you feel when you haven’t eaten and aren’t hungry! So far I’ve managed to continue eating normally, or mostly normally, but the guilt gnaws at me relentlessly because I do. Eat… Food… Weight… I want to stop thinking about them all forever.
Something is terribly wrong in my life, and I don’t know what it is or how to fix it. Dear God, help me.
– KF –