Mom and I had a talk tonight. She said she felt worried that I was depressed because my blog sounded so down. As we continued to talk further, however, she suggested an interesting idea: blogs happen when I feel strong emotions. Interesting, and true I think. When I’m feeling sad or depressed, what’s the first thing I want to do? Vent or somehow release the pressure. I used to do it by cutting myself, starving myself. Those ideas are still there in the back of my mind, but here’s a better idea: write it out. No harm in writing (unless you alarm concerned Moms or MiL’s), and it’s very cathartic: similar to poetry, Mom suggested. Reading many peoples’ poems you’d be surprised they didn’t blow their brains out at age 20. What you don’t know is that they actually lived pretty good lives and only composed poems when they felt very strongly about something – sad, upset, elated, joyous. In the same way, a journal like this shows the major spikes in emotion when in reality life travels on a fairly even keel with a few blips. The blips are what strike me and need writing about.
Alright. Everything is OK. I’ve eaten some leftover scalloped potatoes (guess we didn’t need 2 pans after all), fed Tiff and Jess, and they’re around talking. We learned something about the East Coast yesterday: grocery stores are closed Thanksgiving Day. Jess had gotten in a tad late for a major shopping trip Wednesday night, so we decided to wait and shop Thursday morning. WRONG! Price Chopper and Big Y, the major grocery stores around, close all day Thursday – nice for their employees, I’m sure, but for us and the numerous cars that drove through the parking lot in hopes they’d be able to buy last-minute canberry sauce, it wasn’t so great. So much for that.
I think I am going to throw up. I cannot, cannot handle this. I am nobody’s savior; I cannot even save myself. What does she expect me to be? The magical antidepressant? The enforcer of a no-harm contract? Happy?
I may update later if I can find the strength to do anything. Right now my stomach is clenched so tightly I feel ill and my whole body is shaking violently. Suffice it to say yesterday was both as bad and not as bad as I expected.
– KF –