Maybe nobody else will understand this, but I am going to exercise my strongest self control and write normally today. Today has been supremely normal. My shower went freezing – and I mean I had it full hot and it felt like I was in the cold zone – as well as losing water pressure just as I put conditioner in my hair. Truth to tell, I still probably have some in there because I didn’t want to stand in colder-than-tepid water for particularly long. My teeth started chattering.

Math class positively infuriated me. We’re learning how to solve multiple linear equations using the Gauss-Jordan Elimination method, and as anybody who’s done it knows, that can take a ridiculously long time. At least it does for rather stupid people like myself. Anyway, it turns out the TI-83 WILL DO IT ALL FOR YOU. Yes, save you all that mental strain, all the chances of making a mistake are wiped out, and it takes about 30 seconds. Only… My calculator is a TI-82 and doesn’t have that function. I sat there fuming and making really quite evil faces at my prof – not that it’s his fault – and then I just wanted to scream. So unfair! Here I JUST bought a new calculator, and purposely got a TI-82 cause I like ’em so much and didn’t think there were major differences. Only now also it turns out the 83 will do this other series of complicated financial formulas that the 82 doesn’t. What a shame! I have to say, the final will take me twice as long at least because I have to slog though all these horrible mistake-prone equations and systems of solving them, when my calculator could be doing it for me quite infallably. Anybody want to give me a TI-83 for a couple weeks?

Finals are coming up, and I know it’s boring to hear people moan about their work, I just have got to do it here. I’m SO INCREDIBLY STRESSED! Everything comes crashing down to these two weeks straight from hell.

12/9: I have a normal Marine Biology exam, for no apparent reason.

12/15: Math exam at 8:00 in the morning. This means I have to catch the shuttle at 7:00 to arrive at Clark at 7:25. This means I have to get up before 7:00, and that really, really doesn’t make a body happy. Also this day my enormous, heavily-weighted architecture paper is due which I’ve been working on frantically for a couple days here. It’s completely awful and I *still* need an architectural critic with lots of prolific writing. That alone makes me want to cry.

12/16: Marine Biology final exam 10:30 – 12:30. Then 1:30 – 3:30 I have the Geology exam which, thank God, is not cumulative.

12/18: Architecture final exam, cumulative but open notes. Still likely to be a complete and utter disaster after the prior days.

On top of this, I am committed to editing Lisa’s paper as well as any of Ian’s PQP he needs (some wifely duties must be performed), as well as daily loving Jess and telling her so. Because today I realized exactly how much life is worth living, and it’s invaluable. I am so glad I never killed myself like I wanted to over the last few years: turns out that when you’re depressed all those people you brush off would be hurt more deeply than you can even imagine if you did something for real.

To get back to my day. Geology was moderately interesting and amazingly short. We got out at 2:15, when it’s supposed to end at 2:40. What’s with that?! Also, she has gone back to being completely confused and I have no idea which 3 chapters I’m supposed to have read but haven’t. That’s another thing: I am on chapter 21 of 35 in my architecture book, and by 12/18 I need to have it all read. Plus the rest of my Geology book, and a review of all the papers we’ve studied in Marine Biology (an obscene number, trust me). In any case, we also got our papers back in Geology: I got a 95, which is OK, because that’s what I got last time only she thought my title was clever last time and this time it was blah. So no extra two points for me. I wish I could get 100’s on the papers I write, just like people whose papers I edit get 100’s on theirs. Life is so not fair. I had a little question on my paper about relative humidity – Mom, you’ve been using that phrase wrong for a long time, apparently. Darn, cause I included it in my paper and it was incorrect. Also disappointing.

After class I saw Casey and she kindly treated me to lunch. Clam chowder (mediocre) and a huge mint chip cookie (huge). Then the day got better! I went and hung out with Lesely, and we had a super talk about life and college and depression and such. Not a depressing chat at all, happily. Then I actually went and visited Ernie, albeit briefly, and he said he’d call me next week – ha! he doesn’t actually like me that much, but he’s just being nice – and we could play some Rummy. He’s really good at that game. Terrifyingly so. Caught the 5:25 shuttle and amazingly had a nice talk with the Other Bob, Bob the afternoon driver. He dropped me off right in front of my door believe it or not: also wished me a happy holidays, even though I’ll be on the shuttle for the next 2 weeks, or until it stops running. That was cool, and it made me very happy because it reminds me that there are some wonderful people in the world who are kind and considerate when they have no need to be.

He mentioned that the house that was torn down up the street was worth $12,000,000 and sold for $300,000 to WPI, who had to tear it down though it was built several hundred years ago. It was a gorgeous old house, and as I watched them tear it down I wanted to cry. Gorgeous, and a complete waste because the previous owner didn’t want WPI students in it at all. Again, some things are simply too sad.

It is supposed to be blizzarding this weekend. I think I want to go for a walk to digest the talk Jess and I had this evening. She called at 9:30 and told me just what I’d been dreading to hear since she didn’t post on her blog for a while and then emailed me a one-sentence email. I need to think and pray. Maybe this will be the turning point.

– KF –

3 thoughts on “For Jess

  1. Because He lives I can face tomorrow, because He lives all fear is gone ,because I know He holds the future, LIFE IS WORTH THE LIVING JUST BECAUSE HE LIVES.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.