First, a piece of business: for some reason we are no longer being hosted by Ben. I’m not sure why, but the reason we don’t have comments is because we’re being switched over to Haloscan, who will apparently host our site. At least that’s what my molasses-like brain got out of what Ian told me. If you have comments, you’ll have to email me directly by clicking on the “Katie” link at the bottom of each post.

I have a long, long blog in the works that will cover the whole trip, but it won’t be done today so I thought I’d update quickly here. Jess drove from Rochester, New York to Worcester, Massachusetts today while I sat and did nothing. Useless me, as usual. This trip has seen me slowly spiralling into feeling worse and worse, and eating less and less. I don’t know why, but food has been increasingly abhorrent. The whole idea of eating makes me want to throw up; and making it, or even going out to get it, is just far too much work. I just feel so stressed out, so awful, that how could I plan on actually eating?! No, no, no, I don’t want food. I can’t stand up for myself, I don’t want conflict, and I am missing Ian so terribly now that we’re here. In the back of my mind I guess I was expecting that, with all this traveling East, I would find Ian at the end of our trip. I’ve had a terrible headache all day, like somebody is kicking me in the back of the head quite consistently. Mom keeps saying I can’t go to bed without food – well, watch me. Watch me! Food is a struggle and I wish I didn’t ever have to eat. Maybe I won’t eat anymore, only ironically if I didn’t eat for weeks, we’d end up spending thousands of dollars on me going to the hospital bill if it went too far. Curse it. Maybe I’ll have some Ramen. Not much substance but it does boost one’s electrolytes.

Getting back to Worcester has been pretty traumatic, frankly. It’s strange having Jess here and settling in when I so desperately wanted Ian to be here with me. Also, we had some trouble with getting my and Ian’s computer started… Something about not having Ian’s computer turned on, and my surge protector not being on… hahah. So pathetically non-technical. This suggests to me that maybe I oughtn’t try and put my cute little Shuttle together on my own. On the brighter side, once my computer got online Ian was there and IM’d me quite promptly. We got to talk for an hour, hour and a half, though to my thinking IMing can’t remotely compare to the phone, and even that is a shadow of in-person conversations. Still, can’t be too picky when my husband is still thousands of miles from (and 5 hours ahead of) me. I love Ian more every day, even when he’s not actually here. Unpacking the box of his stuff, though, and taking out his clothes and handling them, have left me emotionally completely strung out. I feel like Ian really will walk into the room right this minute, give me a big hug (as long as I need) and lots of kisses, and invite me to come lay in his arms and talk for a while. Instead I have to settle for hugging Dogbert and Mr. Whale while wrapped up in our blanket and crying, crying, crying. Alone (but not really, because Jess and Eric are here, so I can’t cry like I need to either).

Jews went days out of their way on the journey to Jerusalem just to avoid Samaria. Conflict is my Samaria.

Countdown:

50 days until Ian (3/5/04)

– KF –

2 thoughts on “Back, Tired, Awful

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