“…we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope.”
Cannot say that today is exceptional. I kept waking up all night expecting Ian to be there, but alas; alas. (Pardon any typos, I’m doing this with my glasses off) Generally I’m feeling difficult and uncommunicative. I feel quite blah, my religion having been once again not-so-subtly lambasted by Professor Bastien.
I will not talk to Ian tomorrow and that makes tomorrow look much longer and blanker. Then again, this semester is turning out exactly like last: I have imaginary friends at Clark. Today I left Clark practically shaking with hunger, having forgotten a snack for the day – it’s my longest day away from home – and not being in the habit of bringing a wallet to Clark. I refuse to pay money for the dog-vomit food they sell more dearly than their souls. As for good things, I got a package from Mom today: opened it with trembling hands hoping for cookies, and found Castille soap, a thermometer, lip gloss, a razor, and some nice milk-bath stuff. I used all Mom’s up over this break and she was Brilliant (break out the match and zipper!) enough to realize I fell in love with the stuff. Plus I’ve been taking a bath a day here while I study. Fewer distractions.
When I got home I had an overnight express envelope waiting for me — what?! It was financial papers to get onto Ian’s account. I filled them out, and then discovered with amazement that they included an envelope for me to express it to Ian in London! My incredulity increased as I then discovered they had included not only that envelope, prepaid, but an envelope for Ian to send all the papers back to Seattle when he’d initialled and signed the right spots. Now if only I knew of a place around here to send international express envelopes… But it made me feel important, zipping open that envelope and finding a sticker that said “Sign here” and “Initial here.”
That about covers it. I also got a package labeled VSD, and if you know what that means, congrats.
Maybe the reason my blogs are long is because I practically work on them all day. Which is better: to have a couple short posts in one day or to have one outrageously long one?
I have started asking again why I am at Clark. A friend last semester (one of the few times I saw any of my “friends”) asked me a question that’s stuck with me: “Can you think of anything good about Clark for you?” I thought for a long time, laid down a few bad cards, and finally had to answer quite honestly: “No.” No? What about those deep lasting friendships that everybody expects out of college? What about mind-bendingly challenging classes? Delicious food? Late night talks? No, no, no, and no. Not from Clark. My friends group is small – alarmingly? – but I get by, no thanks to the Clark “be friends only with people from your dorm” ethic. From what I’m seeing of an English major, it will be majority historical literature and if I’m lucky one class on writing. But – but – but journalism! What about me liking to write and that inspiring me? Again, no! Read these incomprehensible poems by an insane dead guy, listen to an almost equally insane prof bluster for an hour and a half, now take an exam! Repeat.
Why am I paying for this experience? Advantages of a college degree are:
1. Job market demands you have a degree – you’re more marketable
2. Education is good for you. As Christians, we learn more about God through everything we learn, if we give it all to Him.
3. It gives me something productive, albeit expensive, to do for the next two years
4. I could feel even lonelier than I do now, being both married and (ack! Dare I say it?) a college drop-out
Disadvantages of continuing:
1. We keep paying the $30,000-odd for me to struggle through medieval English literature
2. I don’t learn the journalism skills I could pick up elsewhere, possibly more effectively
3. On the positive side, I could get a job (nothing great, probably retail or secretarial) and bring us some actual cash flow (!)
4. Speculation, but I might be happier being able relax about life and not think about exams again
When you look at it, the most convincing reason on there may well be that if I can stick with this for 2 more years I will have a BA and appear more attractive to potential employers as a result. On the other hand, who wants to employ English majors? There are so doggone many of them! Why am I doing this, when I got a 3.75 cum. doing science and I liked it just fine? So I don’t get to write anything more exciting than a lab write-up: that’s basically all I can look forward to in the humanities too, only they call it a research paper, not a lab write-up. However, I think I’m growing up a little bit, and here’s why: I won’t take any hasty action. This is my first semester as an English major and it’s bound to be a bumpy transition. So I’ll wait this semester out, see how those classes go, and judge from there. If you’re a Christian and reading this, I could use prayer for wisdom.
God knows everything. If only He would give us the lowdown. “The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.” Proverbs 9:10
I think these really exemplify how I feel right now. There’s a shadow of Ian following me around all the time, though thank God I will see him soon. Still, the lyrics:
It’s that feeling that someone
Is standing behind me
And I turn around and there’s no one there
And it’s the sensation
That someone just whispered
Yeah and I still hear your voice but you’re not really here
Your memory is like a ghost
And my heart is it’s host
I can still feel you just as close as skin
Every now and then
All by myself, in a crowded room, or my empty bed
There’s a place you’ve touched
With your love no one gets close to
I can still feel you, I can still feel you, I can still feel you, I can still feel you
– KF –
39 days to my husband.