“Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”
1 Cor. 13:7
I know it’s not fair of me – and it’s not that I am jealous – but with Ian gone, every time I see a couple together, I feel sad. I certainly don’t begrudge anybody the happiness, for I know that Ian and I have each other more permanently than most of these people have each other. But seeing them together enjoying the other’s company, touching occasionally, laughing together, watching a movie cuddled up, just experiencing the same things in tandem… It makes me want to cry. It’s nobody’s problem, I know, but I just feel so lonely during those times. I of all people, the one married peer my friends have, and I have to spend Friday night alone? It’s silly. In the grand scheme of things, the next few weeks will – I hope – look like nary a blip compared to the rest of our lives together. There are 52 weeks in a year: what harm if we spend eight of them apart? Well, much harm, but only temporary. Just because I know that it will be inconsequential doesn’t mean that it feels that way now; and as I said, seeing others emphasizes my lack. So maybe it’s lucky I don’t see the people I know very often, since they many are, miraculously enough, dating. I’m getting an idea of how much people are meant to be in relationship with one another. I wonder if my repeated dreams about drowning in a flood has any bearing on this?
I think I’ll change the subject. A few days ago I downloaded a little program that makes me very happy, and here’s why: clocks are never quite the same around here. Ian and I always disagree on whose watch or computer clock is right, but that is in the past! I went to the official US time site and from there found a site that lets you download a program that continually updates your task bar clock with the exactly correct time! Never again will we be able to argue about correct computer-clock times… Though watches and other clocks are still fair game!
My day will be all books today; I write a response paper a week, as well as beginning the short 6 – 8 page essay comparing William Blake’s Songs of Innocence “Divine Image” with Songs of Experience “Divine Image” for Major British Writers II (which, I’m pleased to mention, was cancelled yesterday!) Difficult, since I’m not a huge William Blake fan, and I don’t really want to work at all anyway. Basically I’m just searching for something to do so I can’t think of Ian too often. Wordworth wrote a bit of a poem to describe my day:
“Up! up! my Friend, and quit your books;
Or surely you’ll grow double:
Up! up! my Friend, and clear your looks;
Why all this toil and trouble?
Books! ’tis a dull and endless strife:
Come, hear the woodland linnet,
How sweet his music! on my life,
There’s more of wisdom in it.”
Sadly, I will probably update again today. Because anything’s better than working or thinking how much more pleasant even a lousy weather-day like this could be with Ian by my side.
– KF –
28 days to my husband.