But I do not consider my life of any account as dear to myself, so that I may finish my course…
Suddenly, lately, I have begun feeling the disparity in my situation: married and attempting to maintain an apartment at age 20, yet struggling to complete papers, readings, and the necessary studying to succeed at my Junior year in college.
For instance, this morning I got up and read two articles on rhetoric, marking the text conscienciously. Then as my hunger asserted itself I proceeded to the kitchen and whipped up a batch of pancake batter, which drew the “children” out of their respective warm cubbyholes (bed proper and bedroom, respectively). Each sat down when I placed a pancake on his plate; they ate with rapidity not entirely due to the 45° temperature of the living room. As soon as the last pancake crumb disappeared off the plate, they too disappeared, leaving me watching bubbles slowly pop on the next pancake in line. When everybody finished, two messy plates and sets of silverware remained sitting forlornly, waiting for the cleaning touch of water and sponge, so I washed them along with all the obligatory pots, pans and pancake flippers.
Somehow I felt that my desire for pancakes, while satiated, had been replaced by another less easily met longing: for some acknowledgment of my surprisingly difficult position, or for some word of thanks or appreciation from my husband and our roommate, perhaps. Or maybe just some company, somebody to talk to and to listen to while my hands chap in the nice hot water or my ears ring with the roar of a vacuum cleaner. Maybe this is why I check my email, blog comments, and mailbox so frequently – a secret hope that I have enough interest within myself for people to voluntarily seek out communication with me. Think about it…and in the meantime, I’m going to go check my email.
– KF –