Now it begins.

This morning I spewed oatmeal all over the inside of the microwave. I boiled it in there, and it boiled over but I didn’t realize it… Too bad I’m so short I can’t see in the microwave. Anyway I tried to clean it out as best I could, but I think I just ended up making more of a mess. Lovely image, oatmeal splattered all over the inside of our $15 microwave and me trying to reach up above the top of the fridge to clean it out; oatmeal splattering onto the top of the fridge – lots of oatmeal, I didn’t expect that much – and I hurry because I have to catch my shuttle. I should have known that with a start like that my day could only go downhill. And it did.

I’ve started getting those exams back. Yes, already, and I wish I hadn’t. Getting this back makes me want to cry, or hide, or run away. I literally failed my math exam – my easy math class that I truly do know everything in, and for some reason I failed it. Not just did poorly: I mean I did not achieve a passing grade. No scaling happens, so what I got is exactly what I got. No way to console myself; all I can do is feel exceedingly stupid for taking this class at all. It’s a waste – I don’t even need to be in it – yet here I am failing it. The thought occurs that I am actually failing the whole class right now… Which would be better, to drop it now and have it show on my transcript or just finish the class and have the fail show? I feel so stupid, how will I be able to show my face at WPI? All these smart mathy people and I can’t do Math 113. Ernie says I shouldn’t let it worry me, but this class will go on my transcript, though it’s a totally useless waste of time and (apparently) failure.

I wish I could just start this school year over again: I’d change all my classes to English major classes; I’d not have wasted time fitzing around in a bunch of language classes that I eventually dropped; I’d find an advisor that worked well for me right away; I’d spend more time with friends whatever the cost; I’d not be so edgy and disagreeable. As it is, I’m stuck with a sucky schedule and a sucky self; they seem to perpetuate each other.

The other thing: I hate excuses. I get boatloads of excuses from about half the people I know here. Sure maybe they’re all real, but wouldn’t it be better to say, “I’m not in the mood for hanging out right now,” than “I have to do my laundry (for the next 12 hours)”? Or “I’m busy right now but could we figure out a time later today/this week to get together” rather than “I have so much work to do I can’t see the sun”? I’m sick of it. If you don’t want to see me, just say so! Excuses hurt more than the truth in the long run.

– KF –

Not a Great Plan

Ryan has just sent me his web page, and out of deference to him I will attempt to aid in his search by putting its link here. If you feel you match all his criteria, drop him a line – and best of luck! 😉

My Marine Bio class is turning into what would commonly be thought of as “A lot of work.” I am not a fan of her plan involving assigning us a heavy-duty scientific paper to write and making it due exactly 7 days later. Also I fear I have put off my Geology paper until the last minute, so both papers must be written in a chruch. Foolish of me; a month felt like such a long time, but it has flown by rapidly and now it’s October 2nd. That means I have 12 days to write Geology and, as mentioned above, exactly one week to complete my Marine Biology. I’m not looking forward to analyzing our “data” (ie, 10% Fucus coverage in quadrat 15…) or trying to graph it. Something about a kite graph…?

I just looked online for a kite graph, with zero success. That, and the fact Excel won’t graph that type, tell me that she’s unreasonable in requesting we make this type of graph. Also the fact that none of the class has ever heard of a kite graph seems to tell me that perhaps we should pass on this requirement for now. Something tells me, however, that instead of complaining and wasting time I ought to just start doing the work involved. Not fun, but a necessary evil if I want to get my valuable “college education.”

– KF –

A Kick!

Colleen is inviting a kid to Tolo! What a kick!

I feel like I can’t get anything to work right. My phone works sporadically, Trillian works occasionally, file transfers never work on AIM (stupid firewall and people who won’t help me get around it), my computer itself is pretty flighty, in fact my brain is pretty questionable too. I don’t know what’s going on in my life – literally. I don’t know what major I want to do (English is useless, just like me). I can’t stand being awake, basically; I’m only happy when I’m asleep. I want to sleep forever, to cry my eyes dry and keep crying. So much apathy cannot be good. My glasses are too thick, my face is too zitty, and I am gaining too much weight. I am so tired of hearing about other peoples’ problems without having a chance to air my own: I feel like my struggles are a wet towel strangling me even as I try to help other unwrap their own wet towels.

– KF –

Math, my foot

The best I can say about this day is at least I’ve finished my exams, and earlier than I expected to. On the other hand, perhaps the extra studying time would have allowed me to actually earn a tolerable grade on this last exam too. Who knows? It doesn’t seem like you can mess up too much on the quadratic formula, but somehow my quadratic formula kept producing -7.39875×10^-6 (or something like that). Frustrating! Also, I tested alone in this room that was adjascent to several professors’ offices. In one a kid named Viktor, who was in my Marine Bio group, was pouring his heart out to this lady about how impossible Intro Bio and Intro Chem were last year; how Marine Bio is impossible; how though he has a learning disability he wants to do it “like a normal person,” etc. Rather distracting, as you might guess, and that was compounded by the fact my prof was also meeting with somebody (door open also). They discussed her troubles with math and he expounded on the many blessings of owing a TI-83… He also advised her to shell out $25 for a new manual when she could just get it online for free (God bless Adobe Acrobat). Somehow I got through the exam and sadly I feel “good” about maybe half of them. Some I didn’t care about – well OK, I don’t actuallycare about any of it – but some I just couldn’t seem to get. I guess I’ll try to be philosophical and say that I’ve done alright on my other exams *cross fingers*, and math isn’t a particularly important thing for me to do well in, so who really cares?

I’m just letting this go. Really. At least I got to take it 6 hours early with the strong demand not to talk to a soul about the exam in conjunction with signing an affadavit to the same tune, namely, “I didn’t cheat and won’t help others do so.” I’m no cheater, so I didn’t really mind signing it… Though it would be handy if somebody did cheat and our prof had to drop this exam grade like he dropped our quiz grade. Incidentally I got a 10/10 on my quiz, so that makes up for him dropping my LAST perfect-scoring quiz. Jerk. He was also rather interested in why his class list named me Kathleen Sullivan and I called myself Kathleen Ferguson. Seems that Student Records has alacrity for some things but not others. My old name keeps hanging around, refusing to die, which is fine because Sullivan is a perfectly acceptable name; I just would like to have this whole name-change thing done with.

Speaking of the whole name change business, last week we sent off our marriage certificate and my passport in a plain old envelope to Charleston to get my name changed on the passport. In the mail! THE MAIL! That’s what they say to do, and I didn’t really think about it until Luke mentioned maybe we should have insured it or something. Now I’m rather apprehensive because I sent two certified, original documents off to who-knows-where by US Postal Service trusting that everything will be OK. Sure hope it will be, because if I never get those back who knows what happens.

Yay, the Twins won. This will be interesting.

– KF –

Still No Mail

I guess life is back to normal – I don’t get any mail, phone calls, emails, or IM’s. I love how I’m so accessable, yet nobody cares to access me! Though I think maybe Mom doesn’t send me mail any more because I borrowed about $50 worth of stamps when I came back here to Worcester.

You know what is icky? Hands! Especially unwashed hands. When you think about how many people pick their noses, scratch their rears (or other things), sneeze onto their hands, and then handle doorknobs, writing utensils, bannisters, and other public objects… well, it gets downright scary. Cause then when I touch that doorknob or bannister I may as well be touching everything they’ve touched, plus whatever they picked up from random strangers off other public objects. Not a subject worth dwelling on, frankly: it’s disgusting and will make you want to compulsively wash your hands. Aforesaid washing is good in moderation but painful in excess.

My ex-advisor said that I used too many archaic words in a story I’m going to submit to the Atlantic Monthly–he said it made the story sound stilted. Does that mean that I’m stilted? I think in these words; I use them easily and with fluency. Why should I be penalized for writing in a natural way? I suppose that’s the course of things: make all writing easier to read so that people enjoy it. After all, nobody would read to expand one’s vocabulary, or for the general interest of a subject despite difficulty! Nope, make things easy and people will like you.

I just finished taking my Geology exam. After studying so hard and making those 80+ notecards, I sure hope I did well. Usually I have this great feeling with an exam (except for chemistry) where I feel like I got every last question right… and then I get it back. Ouch. Anyway this one went alright, though she asked us to define “volcanic,” and that was such a broad question I was unsure what she wanted. Somebody asked and she gave her typical vague, confusing answer. Hopefully my random expostulation gets at least partial credit. But overall I didn’t find it too difficult, and I knew at least part of how to answer every quetion. How is conglomerate rock formed?

Now I only have this one exam left, and I’m so miffed with it! That math prof, why oh why should we have to take an exam at SIX O’CLOCK in the evening?! Granted it gives me all day to study, but who needs that? It’s starting with natural numbers and going aaaalllll the way through how to graph a straight line. He spent all last class about how to graph a line on your calculator; he’s also talked about how to use the Quadratic Formula, the point-slope formula, and how to calculate the area of Massachussets compared to 1 million square acres (incidentally that’s about the size of Rhode Island).

Now I realized I’m writing forever, and saying nothing. Happily I’m in Kristin and Jos’s room hangin out with Kristin! First time in like 2 weeks! Anyway, I’m rooting for the Twins, cause frankly the Mariners disappointed this year. Only team worse than them was the Devil Rays! 😮

– KF –