Robo-poller: This is the National Marriage Organization for Marriage calling to poll you on your views of marriage.
Me [Thinking to myself]: Hang up? Nah, what the heck, I’ll be a statistic.
Robo-poller: Do you believe marriage should only be between one man and one woman?
Me: No.
Robo-poller: Are you male?
Me: No.
Robo-poller: Are you over the age of 50?
Me: No.
Robo-poller: Thank you for your time. [Click]

And that was the end of that conversation.

Another robo-poller wanted to know my opinions on the national debt crisis (even this wording screamed “Republican poll!”), and said I would get a FREE two-day cruise in the Bahamas just for answering 30 seconds’ worth of questions. I declined to participate by hanging up, but really I need to just take the phone off the hook, because by the end of the day it’ll be six more polls or political ads.

I am grateful that our lack of TV spares us from the worst of the TV ads, though. And listening almost exclusively to NPR insulates us from nasty radio ads. Some people would suggest that it also insulates us from the “fair and balanced” views espoused by those worthies to the right of us on the political spectrum. Maybe so, but most of the NPR shows work to get real, serious experts from both the Republican and Democratic camps when evaluating the political situation.

I hope I’m not burying my head in the sand too much, but realistically, studies have shown that we choose to believe what we want, and then find evidence to support that belief. Contrary evidence may crop up, but often contrary evidence actually reinforces a belief. So I have to accept that my views are biased, that I’m seeking news outlets that fit my worldview, that I can’t make a truly bias-free decision, and I have to try my best to overcome that by deliberately being open-minded. Which is not to say that I’d choose to vote for Newt — but that’s a whole different ball o’ wax.

Okay, I meant to post this when Ian got them, back in December, but I’ve been really tired and had a hard time getting myself to do anything other than take super long naps. Anyway, better late than never. Somebody in Ian’s office gave out Christmas presents to every one in the office. Here’s what Ian got:

Thanks, Santa. We were really hoping for gummy hotdogs seasoned with Tabasco sauce from shot-sized containers.

More recently amusing experience: By Sunday, the weather switched from snow to steady rain and high winds. That didn’t deter our intrepid neighbor, though:

Dang it, he’s grillin’ even if he can’t keep his umbrella open (it collapsed a second after I took the picture).

Finally, Ian found this in a library book. Here’s the front:

The back:

Apparently the prescription’s for you and ONLY YOU… and all the other people who have checked out that book since April.

Last but not least, a seriously cool time-lapse video of Yosemite. Watch it full-screen.

Yosemite HD from Project Yosemite on Vimeo.

Yesterday I read an article in The Seattle Times about how close Washington State is to passing a gay marriage law. In the article, Senator Rosemary McAuliffe was described as undecided, but likely to support the bill. I double-checked my legislative district, and sure enough, she’s my state Senator. What the heck, I figured, Why not throw in my $0.02 to tip the balance? (And I might as well mix metaphors, while I’m at it.)

The Internet handily provided direct email to her, so I sent off a very brief email. I said:

Dear Senator McAuliffe,

I know that you are a busy person, so I will keep this brief: As one of your constituents, I am writing to encourage you to vote yes on the upcoming gay marriage legislation. It is the right thing to do, and I believe will make life better for many Washingtonians.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best,
[My Full Name & Address]

Not my most eloquent, but at least I said something, right? And I figured I’d either hear nothing, or I’d get a canned reply from her office that told me the six dozen ways she’d done this, that, and the other excellent thing that related to my interest. Nice enough, but nothing interesting.

Instead, within 24 hours, I received the following reply.

[My Full First Name],

Thank you for sharing your support for Marriage Equality. Below I have shared with you a letter I am releasing to the public tomorrow. Thank you again for involving yourself in the legislative process and lending your voice to such a vital cause.

Rosemary

Okay, yes, it’s somewhat canned — almost certainly she had a template pertaining to this topic, and handily inserted my name at the top. But it’s not obviously templated, and it’s definitely a real reply, so I know that my representative heard my view. Attached was the following letter:

The governor recently announced her support of marriage equality. For decades our country has struggled with discrimination in many forms. I am proud that our state has a past of joining together to support equality for women, racial minorities, people with disabilities, and religions — now is the time to support all families with the respect and dignity they deserve.

Separate but equal is yet another form of discrimination. For many people, I know this is a very sensitive issue. I have received many letters, emails and phone calls for and against marriage equality legislation. An overwhelming amount of constituents have sided with my own belief, that all Washington citizens deserve the chance to be equal under the law. We are free to believe whatever we choose however we live in a state and world where our laws protect human rights for all.

A main concern I have heard is the right to religious freedom. This bill includes an important exemption for religious organizations and clergy to continue to exercise religious freedom.

In the past, I have supported civil unions, domestic partnerships, and the efforts of Senator Ed Murray to stand up for equality for same sex couples. We as legislators must be vigilant about protecting all of our citizens against discrimination. I support marriage equality and have signed my name onto this long overdue legislation to ensure all of our children grow up in a society that truly promotes equality.

Rosemary McAuliffe
_________________________________________
Senator Rosemary McAuliffe
State Senator 1st Legislative District
360.786.7600

Well, hey. How cool is that? I am unexpectedly pleased about this whole exchange. Probably my email made no difference in her decision, but just having said something and knowing it got heard — that’s pretty great.

Mostly, to me, the government feels like some vast ship steaming along, unable to stop or change course quickly, driven by momentum to very slow changes even if the rudder changes direction. Politicians are the crew members of the ship, and we’re the passengers. Sharing my views may make one of the crew members pause for a while, or nod and smile, or say something inanely polite, but the ship will just keep chugging along its course, regardless. But in this case, something I — and a bunch of other people in the 1st Legislative District — said influenced the behavior of one of the crew members. That’s how it’s supposed to work, of course, even though it doesn’t always. But I’m pleased it worked this time.

And, of course, I’m hoping to soon celebrate marriage equality in Washington by making some rainbow-colored cake or something.

My friend Rachel has a rock polisher, and as you may recall, for a while we had an overabundance of rocks in our driveway. It seemed like a natural fit. We knew that polishing wasn’t exactly a viable way of disposing of a driveway full of drain rock, but the supply did give us lots of choices, and it made the pile feel useful until we got rid of it.

When I asked Rachel if we could use her rock polisher, she said, “Sure, it’ll take a month,” and I think I managed to hide my astonishment when I replied, “OK!” I had envisioned, oh, a couple hours’ worth of work, maybe rubbing the rocks with some kind of special sandpaper or something.

Wrong.

What I didn’t realize is that rock polishing is essentially speeded-up erosion. Of course, speeded-up is in the eye of the beholder: Instead of taking thousands of years to smooth out a rock, it took about 6 weeks.

Turns out you pick your rocks, wash them well, and then put them in this cylindrical rubber container, the tumbler, along with water and some special rock-polishing powder. Then you place the tumbler horizontally on a roller, and let it roll for a week. The next week, you take the rocks out, wash away that first powder slurry, and then put the rocks back in with more water and a slightly finer powder, and roll it for another week. You repeat this four times. At the end, you have smooth, shiny rocks.

I found it fascinating to watch the transformation from ho-hum drain rock, which we plucked almost at random out of a huge pile of similar stones, into something unique and beautiful. At the same time, it didn’t inherently change the nature of the rocks: Granite remained granite, quartz remained quartz. Metamorphic rock didn’t change into sedimentary rock.

No, the rocks’ basic nature remained the same, but the polishing brought out facets of that nature that remained hidden in the unpolished form. One rock revealed itself to have beautiful gold flecks in it, which you can only see at certain angles. Many of them had a variety of similar shades folded and woven together that make them fascinating to look at. Others remained plain to look at, but took on an exceptionally pleasing shape and texture.

Naturally, as Rachel and I rinsed and dried the polished rocks, we talked about the philosophical implications. We’re the rocks, which God has picked for some reason. He sees something in us, something beneath our dirty dull exteriors. Life is the polisher, and all the things that happen in life is the polishing material. This kind of transformation doesn’t take place quickly, or easily. One of the rocks we put in came out as two smaller rocks, broken apart by the tumbling. It took time, patience, and effort to reveal the depth and beauty in the rocks.

I hope that one day I, too, will come from the tumbler with my hidden beauty revealed. Until then, it’s back to the tumbler.

When I listen to NPR, I sometimes hear spots for L.A. Theater Works productions. Usually they don’t sound particularly compelling, so it doesn’t generally bother me that they start at 10 pm. Yesterday evening, though, I just had to hear their production: War of the Worlds, with Leonard Nemoy and a bunch of other Star Trek cast. SUPER COOL.

The upshot is that I didn’t stay up, but thanks to the interwebz, it’s easy enough to listen later. It makes me happy that, in a world of Kinects, iPhones, YouTube, and flying cars, the art of the radio show has not died.

When I was a kid, I listened to The Shadow (episodes here!, thanks again to the interwebz) religiously. Before I went to bed, Dad would come into my bedroom, sit on the floor leaning against my bed, and we’d listen to an episode of The Shadow. This worked better than trying to have Dad read aloud, because listening to a tape, Dad could fall asleep (which he’d do even while reading aloud, which would partly account for the extremely long time it took us to get through Texas) and I could keep listening.

We also enjoyed Hank the Cowdog, which actually continued to be pretty hilarious as we got older, thanks to the many jokes for adults built in. Colleen and I also listened to The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings as we got a older.

All this to say that radio shows comprise a very real, meaningful portion of my growing-up years, and I’m delighted that this isn’t an entirely lost art.

John Bidet

Occupation: Business Consultant

Education: BS, Pennsylvania State University; experienced toilet user

Statement: As a business consultant, I understand the importance of doing your business. I have the experience, both in the home and in the public sector, to make decisions that represent your interests because I understand your everyday struggles.

In these uncertain economic times, bathroom users around the region face increasing unease before every flush. My focus will always be with the you, the 99% who are just straining to squeeze out a living. I will be your open door in government, listening closely to neighborhood residents.

My priorities are:

• Using performance-based budgeting to streamline our sewers;
• Having open, transparent, public interactions — under my watch, nothing will happen behind closed doors;
• Eliminating wasteful spending;
• Creating sufficient reserves to get us through difficult times; and
• Leveraging technology to ensure smooth transitions.

I understand the diverse needs of all area residents, and I will work to bring together all of our resources for a smoother future. A vote for John Bidet is a vote for movement. I ask for your vote on election day.

Contact Information:
P.O. Box 123
Bothell, WA 98034
425-555-5555
bidet@pmail.com

I could buy a fur coat, but not a real fur coat, because that’s cruel.*

Or I could buy the 20-foot animatronic triceratops from Hammacher Schlemmer and still have $650,000 left.

Receiving the Hammacher Schlemmer catalog always gives me pause. For example, on the same page that lists the triceratops, they list the hand fitness trainer ($29.95), the under seat rolling carry on ($99.95), and the cat’s phantom mouse teaser ($29.95), among other items. It just makes me wonder what they’re thinking, not just about the products — although I have to wonder, what’s wrong with a squeezy ball, a backpack, and a piece of string, respectively — but about why they put these things together on a page towards the middle of the catalog. Is there some secret internal logic to the product organization and display that I’m just not fathoming? This will keep me up at night, you know.

In fact, the entire catalog makes me wonder. First of all, who dreams up products like the specialized potted plant hand truck, the phototherapy hairbrush, the elliptical machine office desk, the extremely ugly remote controlled rolling beverage cooler, the two story inflatable black cat, or — honestly — any of the other products listed? (Sorry for so many links; it’s really hard to single out just a few of these amazing products.) Why does H-S think it’s a good idea to sell this stuff? And most of all: Who buys these things, and what are they thinking??

I will say, though, that in a future life I hope to write copy for Hammacher Schlemmer. For example, what could you say about the posture improving saddle seat (which looks, frankly, like guaranteed misery for every second of the victim’s seated experience)? Here’s an excerpt of what some talented ad copy writer dreamed up:

This saddle seat helps you replicate an equestrian’s healthy posture to reduce back fatigue and discomfort while seated. Its gentle forward slope shifts the pelvis forward and raises the buttocks above the knees, resulting in semi-standing posture that discourages slouching. [My thought: I imagine so! It would also discourage sitting.] … Unlike traditional chairs that can restrict blood circulation in the legs, the saddle seat does not exert contact pressure on the back of the legs, reducing muscle fatigue. [It sure looks like it'd exert uncomfortable pressure other places! I'd rather have pressure on the back of my legs, thanks very much. Also, reduce fatigue? WTF?]

It would take some true genius to come up with anything to say about most of these products, and yet each one has its own detailed, superlative-laden copy. Amazing.

I will leave you with this final product call-out. Without cheating and looking at the link, what would you say this is for, and how much does it cost?

*If you haven’t heard the live version of BNL with Weird Al on the accordion for that song, check it out now. No, the video isn’t great, but it’s what I could find.