At work I run the Joke Board, a white board where I write up a new dad-type joke every day. Sometimes people add alternative answers or chain on more jokes. The album below documents some of the jokes with the highest participation rates.
Continue scrolling for my personal favorites.
Joke Board Album
Click the image to open the joke board photo album.
By the way, this picture shows my favorite April Fool’s prank I’ve ever pulled. We put googly eyes on every single piece of fruit in the shared fruit basket at work, and people talked about it for days. Maybe weeks. There are still googly eyes stuck around the office.
My Personal Favorites
(More to come as I remember them. There are so many.)
I have an alligator named Binsburg that bites everyone. It’s ruthless, gator Binsburg.
I was asked at a job interview if I could perform under pressure. I said I didn’t know that one, but I could have a go at Bohemian Rhapsody.
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
-Because the p is silent.
Why do Norwegians put bar codes on the side of their ships?
-So they can scan da Navy in.
What kind of music do windmills like the best?
-They’re really big metal fans.
Did you hear about the cows that found the cannabis field and just kept coming back over and over again?
-It’s a case of the pot calling the cattle back. Truly, the steaks were never higher.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed a bunch of food coloring.
-The doctor says I’m fine, but feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Why do chicken coops have two doors?
-Because if they had four doors, they’d be chicken sedans.
Did you hear about the explosion at the French cheese factory?
-There was nothing left but de brie.
Did you hear the joke about the dwarf that escaped from prison by climbing down a wall?
-Never mind, it’s a little condescending.
Speaking of dwarfs, I once saw a dwarf get pickpocketed.
-I didn’t know anyone could stoop so low.
Why did Benedict Arnold get fired from his financial firm?
-Because he was a no-good trader.
One time I went to the zoo, but the only animal there was this little dog.
-It was a Shih Tzu.
Rick Astley will loan you any of the Pixar movies… But he’s never gonna give you Up.
Why are leather jackets good camouflage?
-Because they’re made of hide.
Doctor: Hi, I’m Juan, and I’ll be delivering your baby today.
Parents: O.B. Juan, you’re our only hope!
I’ll never let my kids go to the orchestra.
-There’s too much sax and violins.
I bought these shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced then with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Why does Waldo wear stripes? So he won’t be spotted.
Did you hear about the Amazon warehouse employee who mixed up apparel and cleaning stuff?
-He almost shipped his pants with supplies.
Did you hear about the software company that hired a professional fencer to be their SSO server?
-They used duel-factor authentication.
Why did the oil executive laugh at a fart joke?
-It was a gas — and he had so many more in the pipeline.
Why do root vegetables make the best DJs?
-They bring the beets.
What do you call a bunch of annoyed assets and liabilities?
(My company is making a new feature internally referred to as “aggregated accounts,” so this joke was very much aimed at its audience.)
Not Safe For Work
I have a few that are NSFW, so stop here if you don’t want things a little off-color. I don’t share these on the joke board, which is 100% family-friendly, but I appreciate ’em anyway.
What do you call a mythical horse with a horn but no balls?
What’s the difference between a Greyhound bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
-One is a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean.
Did you hear about the guy who had the jurisprudence fetish?
-He got off on a technicality.
What did the bra say to the hat?
-You go on ahead; I’m going to give these two a lift.
How is insider trading like being groped at work?
-They both touch on something private.