Sinking Feeling

They’re here, and the whole thing is far, far worse than I thought it could be. For all I like my friends, having them here all of yesterday with the knowledge of many such days stretching into the future just makes me want to cry. I realize this *is* the internet, so I will not say too much, but friends can be tiringly high maintenance. Last night I just wanted to retreat to our nice cozy room and do all our nighttime rituals. I suppose part of having friends is making sacrifices for them… Perhaps this isn’t fair of me, but I really feel like I put way more into relationships than any of my friends. If somebody is upset or troubled, I have stayed up during the night on the day before an exam to be there. I listen to peoples’ problems and sympathize. I act as hostess when I hate doing that – always have, even at home, only now the pressure is much worse because this is MY home, and it is MY responsibility to entertain guests.

As soon as I saw Jess I knew things weren’t going particularly well for her (even for her); for all we have a “completely honest” relationship some things have obviously not been said. I thought about this last night for a time. The thing that kills an honest relationship is hiding things or deceiving your friend. Why would you do that? Here’s an idea: because a) You aren’t brave enough to be completely honest; b) You don’t completely trust your friend in reality; c) You don’t care to tell them for some reason or another; or d) You don’t think they would care or understand. I don’t know which of those apply here, but I have the feeling that it’s a combination. Mostly last night, however, I was feeling that d) was most applicable. After all, how could I understand what somebody who’s unhappy is feeling? Look at my life: oh it’s so great. I’m married, I eat well, I do alright in classes, I’m in college, I’m fairly mentally stable. Why would somebody confide in me when my life is “great” like it is? I don’t have problems: how could I understand if you did? The bottom line is I am so disgustingly boring and normal that I am no good for talking to seriously.

I hate what I’m living right now. I don’t like how I look at all – less than I ever have before. I’m in college, but to what end? I don’t care about it; I don’t care about any of this stuff I’m pretending to do right now. Frankly, I would be perfectly happy just to curl up and sleep all day (only of course now I can’t sleep at night even if I’m exhausted), not do anything. I have to make a point of staying away from sharp objects when I’m alone and make a point of eating regularly. Then when I do eat regularly I feel guilty – why was I eating in the first place? Here it’s Thanksgiving day and the idea of food sounds completely abhorrent to me (apparently it is to Jess too, because she refused to eat anything but Muddy Buddies last night. Great), especially the idea of watching a bunch of guys gorge themselves on meat and potatoes. Mmmm let’s eat until we feel like throwing up, and then wait a while, and then do it some more! What an incredibly stupid holiday. I am willing to bet the majority of the country doesn’t even think of the idea it is Thanks-Giving Day, not just a day to waste a lot of money on food you will shortly be exceedingly tired of. I repeat again: what an incredibly inane and idiotic holiday. I think that I will make a point of refusing to eat today. And tomorrow. And the next day. Maybe some day I will be less normally dull and finally be interesting enough to talk to.

– KF –

This is THE Day

Alright, admitedly today is *not* Thanksgiving, and I know that’s what everybody normal looks forward to. However, today is the day Jess and I have been counting down for since 60 or 70 days ago. Yay! I’m actually rather pooped already because we went to bed at midnight (aahh so late! 🙂 ) and I woke up ridiculously early. I wish I could tell my body, “OK sleep in today,” and it would wake up automatically at 10:00 or something. But instead it woke me up earlier than I have to get up during the school week. Cruel! But that’s actually not surprising because there’s an excitement factor as well, plus a nervousness factor with Tiff and Jess seeing each other for the first time in months. In fact, I don’t know when the last time they even talked was. I’m praying that they get along just great – or at least tolerably – but this could be a very strange and awkward situation.

Lesley got into WPI! Now of course she’s got the question of Holy Cross or WPI? The obvious answer is: WPI! What else? It’s a) Technical and has CS like she may want; b) Has a great music program which she wants; and c) Even has a great drama program – 11th in the country I believe. What’s not to want? PLUS because she’s a girl I’m sure they would do anything, and by anything I mean generous financial aid, to have her come. Try to even out those ridiculously uneven numbers.

Ian and I cleaned the kitchen yesterday. Most of it wasn’t much trouble: scrub the counter, etc. However… we learned a great deal about our stove also. First of all, we found some perfectly preserved carbonated macaroni noodles under the burner. Quite recognizeable, only they were very shiny and black: charcoal noodles, basically. Then we had the interesting task of attempting to clean under the burners. I can’t say as I ever learned how to do this at home, so what we did was basically trial and error. Of course I scrubbed the top; then Ian cleverly figured out the burners don’t just lift up a fraction of an inch – they come right off the oven. I knew this from home, but I didn’t know how one would do that and of course the last thing we want is to be breaking our only stove. Well those came off, and I was quite pleased to be able to try to scrub out the metal thingers underneath. Oh for some tin foil! Some of the spills were so well baked on there I think they must have fused with the metal, because nothing I did would get it entirely off (steel wool might have; Ian offered to shear our steel wool sheep, but we didn’t have any strong enough shears). As part of our Chopper run today we’ll get tin foil to put under there. Long story short, by the end of the night I was wishing we had the Fergusons’ nice flat one – no drippy messes that have been baked solid to try and scrape hopelessly at with my fingernails. Ick.

Well, there’s much to be done between now and 10:50, when we leave to go get Tiff from the bus station! Then let the cooking begin! This Thanksgiving will be one of my more interesting ones: after all, I’ve never done any of this before, and neither have most people who’re doing this. In fact, we don’t even know who’s going to be there on Thursday. …Now that I think of it, though, our Thanksgivings at Grandma Sullivan’s place tended to be very interesting indeed…

– KF –

Sadly…

Well, today isn’t going as hot as I’d hoped despite the fact we don’t have any classes for the rest of the week, and Jess & Tiff are coming up tomorrow. I’m very happy about that; don’t get me wrong. But frankly, spending a goodly amount of time here today alone really hurts. Kristin has gone home as of yesterday and Lesley skedaddled even before her. Jos I haven’t seen hide nor hair of for weeks, even a month or so; she doesn’t respond to my IM’s and frankly I’m wondering if she’s still a good friend of mine. I saw Ernie today in the Science Building – he ends class just as I start class – and he completely ignored me, which hurt a little bit too. I’m very lonely today; the campus is empty and my Marine Bio class had so few people my prof actually mentioned it. I can’t bear to think of Geology’s class total, which is comprised mostly of slackers trying to get their SA out of the way. Then whenever we get out, I’ll have the pleasure of waiting around at Clark alone again (Goodness, it’s still almost an hour until my class and I want to cry from loneliness) until 3:30, a lovely 50 more minutes.

The batteries died on my camera. Catherine pointed out a nice picture of a squirrel sitting in a bush that, just as I was about to press the button, ran away. Bummer.

When we were at home and talking to Kathleen Miller, Ian and I had to drive by a building every time that was called the Losier Building. Now, I ask you: how do you say that? “Loser” with a fancy French accent? Is the building full of losers? Or is there some other pronunciation that I don’t know of that tells the function of the building? Then again, function of building is rarely described by its name, as I’m learning quite clearly. Otherwise, you’d have Office Building on Main Street and Office Building on Broadway and Office Building on Kirkwood… etc. Sounds confusing.

I think I will stop blathering, because this post is absolutely pathetic. Rather like my social life. All it really does is show how completely sad and lonely I am, to resort to writing long meaningless posts that nobody cares to read. *cries*

– KF –

BSoR

That would be Big Sigh of Relief, for those of you who haven’t had to heave one such recently. I just finished my Architecture class’s midterm and lecture on Nazism, Fascism, and Surrealism in Architecture. The exam was frustrating: after all, who can relate Louis Sullivan’s Wainwright Building from the 1890’s to Mies van der Rohe’s Barcelona Pavilion of the in 19 minutes? Well, not me. Anyway, that’s over and done with even if I said Le Corbusier’s League of Nations project was the United Nations project. Close, but no cigar. At least it’s done with, and I know what to expect for our next exam. I’m just relieved to be done. Now chapters 18 – 21 to read for that class next Monday…

I got to talk to my family in the middle of today. My walk home was thus improved from the mere status of “good exercise” to “enjoyable company” as well. As long as you use ‘company’ in the broadest possible way. The weather also improved my day. Little wind and a brisk temperature combined with bright sun to compliment ech other nicely.

The big excitement for me (for Ian, what excitement is there besides “I have more PQP work to do”?) is discovering that my camera has what I have begun to think of as the surprise feature: manual shutter speed. Of course, to utilize this fully I need a tripod; however, right now I content myself with stacked books. desks, or a wall – any nice solid surface. I experimented a little yesterday with low-light situations, but of course had to study for my midterm. Today, on the other hand, I felt quite free to play with my toy. Here are the final three tolerable pictures of the 26 or so I actually took.

Finally I can look forward to Thanksgiving, and to having a few days off to spend with my friends and my husband. Lots of Risk 2210 AD in the future!

– KF –

Apprehension

Thanksgiving on Thursday, and all I can think of is this architecture exam on Monday. It is 60 minutes exactly: I know because he laid it out and said we had 12 minutes for this part, 24 minutes for this part, etc. I talked to Uncle Gerard for an hour or so yesterday about various topics. Side note: It’s frankly amazing if you Google “Gerard Koskovich,” you’ll get all sorts of applicable and real Uncle Gerard sites. He’s very active and has the benefit of a very unusual name to boot. In any case, he has an amazing pool of knowledge about 19th and 20th Century architecture, especially the modernist movement. Wow. I don’t know if it helped, but the talk was fascinating anyway.

I spent much of the day finding pictures of buildings we need to know: Frank Lloyd Wright’s Unity Temple, Peter Behren’s AEG Turbine Factory, Adolf Loos’s Haus am Michaelerplatz. There were about 40 required ones and maybe 15 additional “recommended to know” ones, which I simply cannot do. I feel very uncomfortable with the idea of the exam, and however much I say I just want to pass, that really isn’t acceptable. I want to get as high a grade as I can, and I fear that passing may actually be just within that goal. Just thinking of the class makes my stomach sink.

The other thing I am apprehensive about is church. We don’t fit very well within Pleasant Street Baptist; after all, we attended because that’s where Crossroads moved for a time. Now Crossroads is defunct (moment of silence) why continue attending at Pleasant Street? The people quasi-know us, which is worse than not knowing us at all. We cannot simply go, be there, and leave; but I do not feel comfortable at all there either, without any of our Crossroads friends. I have this feeling that, because Worcester is actually quite out of the way for most of those people, we’ll never see them again. My heart hurts.

The apartment is getting a clean-over today. I don’t need to have my friends thinking we live in a filthy pit – and even if we do (we don’t!), we could hide that for a week. I scrubbed part of the bathroom, will get all the crud off the stove, and am planning to launch a spider genocide as soon as possible. Basically, it looks like today won’t be a pleasant day in the least.

– KF –

Can’t Beat That.

Ian got up at 5:00 this morning, poor guy. Thankfully he didn’t take the long hot shower he planned – out of consideration for me! So sweet! He came back about 7:00 and we slept more until he had to leave for class at 8:45. Math I have reported on; Geology was cool. We did course evals today, which took up a good 20 minutes: some people do feel compelled to write a novel on how they like the professor and/or the class. Thank goodness for them, too, because they waste good class time! 🙂 Then she came in and gave a straighforward review of our last lecture plus a tiny bit of new material (did you know that a “groin” is actually a piece of geology terminology?). Because she couldn’t figure how to make the projector show her PowerPoint, she dismissed class about 20 minutes early! We did turn our papers in, and I sure hope she likes mine. I put work into that baby. Also, I fitzed with the projector and figured out that it didn’t know to look at the computer as an input. All you had to do was press Input, then Computer, then Computer 1, the OK. But professors aren’t always the savviest, poor dears (if only they didn’t give us exams, either).

On my walk back I encountered Kristin – oh joy, oh surprise, she’s still alive and well! She gave me a ride home, bless her heart, so I got back at 3:00 to find a huge bunch of pink, red, and yellow longstemmed roses waiting on the table for me accompanied by a card incribed with my name. I won’t lie to you: I cried a little bit, because it was the last thing I expected, and we’d already planned to go out to dinner tonight. Ian simultaneously completely caught me by surprise and made my day wonderful. I love him so much… *struggles to regain composure* Well he got home at 4:30 and we went to The Sahara on Highland Street for dinner. Excellent, excellent food, about which I could rave for an exceedingly long time; also quite reasonably priced and not busy at all. I expect we’ll visit there again. We dressed up nicely and to tell the truth the atmosphere of the place had me convinced for a while we weren’t in Worcester. It was a perfectly lovely date. I just have to say again: Ian is a most worthy and completely adorable (not in the cute way) husband, and I cannot imagine ever wanting to live without him.

We got back and I “worked” for a while; then at 7:30 Luke and Vangie appeared fresh from the train station. We raced over to buy tickets for Arsenic and Old Lace, a play put on by the WPI Masque. Third row seats! Eric was in it, and that’s why we went; he played Teddy “Roosevelt” quite perfectly. CHAAAARGE! The entire cast did a wonderful job, and in fact my favorite part was when Dr. H. Einstein (Jake) stands caught, with the policewoman reciting his exact description. She then shakes his hand, thanks him for prior services, and walks away. His face as he left stage was a picture. Everybody was exceedingly funny, and the whole thing went off quite well. The audience was kept laughing riotiously nearly the whole time. I loved it: I loved it! You may think you’re done reading this endless narrative of my day, but you would be wrong. Though the play ended at 10:30, Luke, Vangie, Ian and I had previously planned to stop at Tortilla Sam’s for fried ice cream. Which we did, because honestly who would skip that? Tortilla Sam’s was full of people drinking copious amounts of some alcohol or another, but they were quiet and we got our delicious food quite rapidly (for Tortilla Sam’s). It was wonderful also, the prefect finishing to an absolutely astounding day.

I am willing to bet that ain’t nobody can beat THAT for a good day.

– KF –