Ponderings

Ian is at Game. I can’t stand Game. This is an old and ongoing problem about which I feel mostly calm but somewhat resentful still. *Pain* It’s completely illogical but I can’t stand the thought… So I’m trying to do my math and feel calm. Not angry, not resentful, not hurt – calm because I love Ian even when he’s gone doing Game, and I will show him that when he gets home at midnight (not like that!!).

I wrote these down a couple days ago. Here they are, just some thoughts to roll around in your head:

What if all this world is my imagination? What if I am actually locked in a padded room and am just escaping into delusions? Is it possible to construct such a complex world in one’s mind? If I were to make this world mentally, would I not make it as perfect as possible, peopling it with all friends? My world would be intelligent. Logical… yet the world is logical, for our Creator is infinitely more wonderful and logical than I. Fair…only I am limited and cannot see the Grand Plan. Now I’m realizing that, however unhappy I may be – and that is unhappy, sometimes – everything comes back to my faith in God. However dark things seem, I know there is a greater plan and that I have a part in it. Not forever will sorrow fill my life, for the Lord is good to those who love Him.

From the Random Slogan Generator: This Is Not Your Father’s Marriage. Don’t Get Mad, Get Marriage. Kids Will Do Anything for Marriage. Things Happen After a Marriage.

– KF –

Strange Dream

I never have dreams at night, not that I can remember. But last night I had one, and it was terrible – possibly caused by some of the stress of the week, or perhaps just straight from my somewhat crazy subconscious. This is what I dreamed.

Ian and I were in our apartment; the place looked completely normal, exactly as it always is. Some of Ian’s friends came by so he went out with them. As they left I heard a strange clicking noise which I could not identify. Intrigued, I went out to investigate and found Ian with his friends sitting outside on some benches smoking. Naturally I was horrified and demanded that Ian stop smoking (I’d never known he smoked in the first place): he refused, quite vehemently. Eventually he did stub out that cigarette at my repeated exhortations, but that only got us into a terrible fight, the worst we’d ever had. We went back inside, shouting and yelling furiously at each other, I hurt and demanding he never smoke again, he angrily replying that it was only one a day and he’d been doing it for years. Of course this hurt me more because I had no idea, and neither did anybody else in his family.

Inside everything was different, but this didn’t bother me at the time. The major change was we walked into an open foyer area with a long, tall staircase leading up from it. The stairs had a bend in them rather like the ones at my house, where you walk up a few stairs, then turn 180 degrees and walk up the rest of them. We ascended the stairs, and as we reached the top (still quarreling passionately) Ian grabbed me and threw me down them. I flew through the air – bear in mind that the farther I went the farther away the ground was because the stairs descended the direction he threw me – and hit the wall. Of course I fell down and was badly injured (I went into shock, I suppose, or the dream-part of this experience kicked in, because I could not tell what was injured, only that I had been badly hurt); Ian never even looked back, but just walked down the hall from the top of the stairs.

I woke up after hitting the ground, basically, and was really horrified and scared. The whole dream felt quite real; Ian and I have had some awful fights, and this wasn’t too much worse than any of those. Also Ian has hidden things from me before (namely playing Game), so I know he might do something like that if he felt that I wouldn’t like his actions/choices. When I went back to sleep I dreamed that I blogged my experience (I’d planned to do so when I woke up, so that was quite natural) and found, in the morning, 34 comments; among them, Ian ranted furiously against me and said that he would continue smoking no matter what. I woke up again and it was middle-early morning but I have no desire to try to sleep any more. Such real dreams, however ridiculous they may sound, are very uncommon for me, and to have one which culminates in my husband throwing me down stairs…

I think I may make myself some French toast or pancakes and try to remember that it was just a dream (so real!).

– KF –

Now it begins.

This morning I spewed oatmeal all over the inside of the microwave. I boiled it in there, and it boiled over but I didn’t realize it… Too bad I’m so short I can’t see in the microwave. Anyway I tried to clean it out as best I could, but I think I just ended up making more of a mess. Lovely image, oatmeal splattered all over the inside of our $15 microwave and me trying to reach up above the top of the fridge to clean it out; oatmeal splattering onto the top of the fridge – lots of oatmeal, I didn’t expect that much – and I hurry because I have to catch my shuttle. I should have known that with a start like that my day could only go downhill. And it did.

I’ve started getting those exams back. Yes, already, and I wish I hadn’t. Getting this back makes me want to cry, or hide, or run away. I literally failed my math exam – my easy math class that I truly do know everything in, and for some reason I failed it. Not just did poorly: I mean I did not achieve a passing grade. No scaling happens, so what I got is exactly what I got. No way to console myself; all I can do is feel exceedingly stupid for taking this class at all. It’s a waste – I don’t even need to be in it – yet here I am failing it. The thought occurs that I am actually failing the whole class right now… Which would be better, to drop it now and have it show on my transcript or just finish the class and have the fail show? I feel so stupid, how will I be able to show my face at WPI? All these smart mathy people and I can’t do Math 113. Ernie says I shouldn’t let it worry me, but this class will go on my transcript, though it’s a totally useless waste of time and (apparently) failure.

I wish I could just start this school year over again: I’d change all my classes to English major classes; I’d not have wasted time fitzing around in a bunch of language classes that I eventually dropped; I’d find an advisor that worked well for me right away; I’d spend more time with friends whatever the cost; I’d not be so edgy and disagreeable. As it is, I’m stuck with a sucky schedule and a sucky self; they seem to perpetuate each other.

The other thing: I hate excuses. I get boatloads of excuses from about half the people I know here. Sure maybe they’re all real, but wouldn’t it be better to say, “I’m not in the mood for hanging out right now,” than “I have to do my laundry (for the next 12 hours)”? Or “I’m busy right now but could we figure out a time later today/this week to get together” rather than “I have so much work to do I can’t see the sun”? I’m sick of it. If you don’t want to see me, just say so! Excuses hurt more than the truth in the long run.

– KF –

Not a Great Plan

Ryan has just sent me his web page, and out of deference to him I will attempt to aid in his search by putting its link here. If you feel you match all his criteria, drop him a line – and best of luck! 😉

My Marine Bio class is turning into what would commonly be thought of as “A lot of work.” I am not a fan of her plan involving assigning us a heavy-duty scientific paper to write and making it due exactly 7 days later. Also I fear I have put off my Geology paper until the last minute, so both papers must be written in a chruch. Foolish of me; a month felt like such a long time, but it has flown by rapidly and now it’s October 2nd. That means I have 12 days to write Geology and, as mentioned above, exactly one week to complete my Marine Biology. I’m not looking forward to analyzing our “data” (ie, 10% Fucus coverage in quadrat 15…) or trying to graph it. Something about a kite graph…?

I just looked online for a kite graph, with zero success. That, and the fact Excel won’t graph that type, tell me that she’s unreasonable in requesting we make this type of graph. Also the fact that none of the class has ever heard of a kite graph seems to tell me that perhaps we should pass on this requirement for now. Something tells me, however, that instead of complaining and wasting time I ought to just start doing the work involved. Not fun, but a necessary evil if I want to get my valuable “college education.”

– KF –

A Kick!

Colleen is inviting a kid to Tolo! What a kick!

I feel like I can’t get anything to work right. My phone works sporadically, Trillian works occasionally, file transfers never work on AIM (stupid firewall and people who won’t help me get around it), my computer itself is pretty flighty, in fact my brain is pretty questionable too. I don’t know what’s going on in my life – literally. I don’t know what major I want to do (English is useless, just like me). I can’t stand being awake, basically; I’m only happy when I’m asleep. I want to sleep forever, to cry my eyes dry and keep crying. So much apathy cannot be good. My glasses are too thick, my face is too zitty, and I am gaining too much weight. I am so tired of hearing about other peoples’ problems without having a chance to air my own: I feel like my struggles are a wet towel strangling me even as I try to help other unwrap their own wet towels.

– KF –

Math, my foot

The best I can say about this day is at least I’ve finished my exams, and earlier than I expected to. On the other hand, perhaps the extra studying time would have allowed me to actually earn a tolerable grade on this last exam too. Who knows? It doesn’t seem like you can mess up too much on the quadratic formula, but somehow my quadratic formula kept producing -7.39875×10^-6 (or something like that). Frustrating! Also, I tested alone in this room that was adjascent to several professors’ offices. In one a kid named Viktor, who was in my Marine Bio group, was pouring his heart out to this lady about how impossible Intro Bio and Intro Chem were last year; how Marine Bio is impossible; how though he has a learning disability he wants to do it “like a normal person,” etc. Rather distracting, as you might guess, and that was compounded by the fact my prof was also meeting with somebody (door open also). They discussed her troubles with math and he expounded on the many blessings of owing a TI-83… He also advised her to shell out $25 for a new manual when she could just get it online for free (God bless Adobe Acrobat). Somehow I got through the exam and sadly I feel “good” about maybe half of them. Some I didn’t care about – well OK, I don’t actuallycare about any of it – but some I just couldn’t seem to get. I guess I’ll try to be philosophical and say that I’ve done alright on my other exams *cross fingers*, and math isn’t a particularly important thing for me to do well in, so who really cares?

I’m just letting this go. Really. At least I got to take it 6 hours early with the strong demand not to talk to a soul about the exam in conjunction with signing an affadavit to the same tune, namely, “I didn’t cheat and won’t help others do so.” I’m no cheater, so I didn’t really mind signing it… Though it would be handy if somebody did cheat and our prof had to drop this exam grade like he dropped our quiz grade. Incidentally I got a 10/10 on my quiz, so that makes up for him dropping my LAST perfect-scoring quiz. Jerk. He was also rather interested in why his class list named me Kathleen Sullivan and I called myself Kathleen Ferguson. Seems that Student Records has alacrity for some things but not others. My old name keeps hanging around, refusing to die, which is fine because Sullivan is a perfectly acceptable name; I just would like to have this whole name-change thing done with.

Speaking of the whole name change business, last week we sent off our marriage certificate and my passport in a plain old envelope to Charleston to get my name changed on the passport. In the mail! THE MAIL! That’s what they say to do, and I didn’t really think about it until Luke mentioned maybe we should have insured it or something. Now I’m rather apprehensive because I sent two certified, original documents off to who-knows-where by US Postal Service trusting that everything will be OK. Sure hope it will be, because if I never get those back who knows what happens.

Yay, the Twins won. This will be interesting.

– KF –