Hate Everything!

I hate life. Jess is gone, I have no friends, I am a stupid fat loser and can’t even succeed in school. I am too serious and sincere; everything I do is laughed at. Screw you Luke, I can’t be funny all the time – screw you all. I’m not some stupid WPI guy who thinks quoting Strong Bad is the epitome of cool. I hate living here because I can’t make any real friends. Everybody hides behind their stupid hilarity, making each other laugh – well they’re all weak. Making a joke is the weak way out, it’s keeping everybody at an arm’s length. I can’t live this way much longer, never seeing my Clarkies and trying to be funny all the time. I AM NOT A FUNNY PERSON, I cannot laugh all the time. I can barely find reason to LIVE, why should I try to make you like me? I can’t, obviously, I’m too serious – I hate “funny people”!

This is no way to live. I want to curl up and hide forever, but I can’t because there’s too much life ahead of me. Maybe something better will come along; who knows. But I never want to hear another clever wisecrack again, because – here’s the truth of the matter – I am too stupid to keep up. No matter how hard I try I constantly fail, so why should I keep trying? I don’t care what it means, I am never going to try to make you like me again. I will be alone and die alone because I can’t live alone. I will fail my exam because I was trying to be “fun” and “sociable” and look what it got me: another affirmation of what a freak I am, always looking at life seriously and “never able to take a joke.” Haha, just a joke. WELL THINK IN THE FUTURE BEFORE YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH! Good Lord, does anybody think anymore? Life isn’t all about making other people laugh, it’s about forming meaningful relationships! How meaningful can life be when you can not speak all summer and get right back to your pathetic shallow talk about class and games and the Internet? But then, who really cares? In two years I’ll never see any of these people again, so why should I even try? …but I do, because I’m so lonely I think I would be happier if somebody abandoned me in the Cascades with only my Leatherman.

Oh I know it was only a joke – only a joke, no harm meant! Most innocent of jokes, hahahahaah. Just like every day for the past who-knows-how-long. OK, fine, a joke, but it’s been enough jokes! Nobody cares, but I need real relationships. Yes they include joking, but they include normal talking too, talking about things that are sad and things that are worrisome. That’s fine, I know that I’m not remotely interesting when it comes to that type of relationship. I never have been, never will be. But all I know is I can’t stand this “I’m your friend but all I’ll do is kid around” business. Enough, I’m not playing that game anymore. I’ll come across as sullen and difficult maybe, but who cares? Nobody, because I’m not worth investing trust or caring into – just an endless well to dump laughs at and maybe one will make a little plinking sound when it hits bottom. The bottom’s just fallen out.

– KF –

Too Long!

The field trip took forever. F-O-R-E-V-E-R. The ride there didn’t seem too long, though we left at 3:00 and got there at 4:30. The ride was, for the most part, quite lovely especially when we got into the town of Nahant itself. So cute! Its city hall was no bigger than Jonas Clark, but far prettier. All the houses were well-maintained with lush lawns and sweeping trees. The sun came out and warmed everything up, and when we finally got to see the ocean my breath was taken away. It’s been long enough that I haven’t gotten away from Worcester I almost forgot New England is renowned for its beauty. Sadly, my pictures don’t do it justice (if I knew how to upload pics to show you, I would, but I have no clue how so that’s that. For now.)

Turns out that the best part of the trip was getting there. Actually we spent probably 45 minutes poking around on the beach, looking in tide pools and picking up rocks to identify various organisms. Some people found crabs – fairly good sized ones – but we only saw tiny Green crabs. We saw lots of Ascophyllum nodosum, various Fucus spp, lots of Littorina of different types, some Chondrus crispus, a few Carcinus maenus, and some Pagurus spp. Of course I’ve left out sea stars, barnacles, muscles, and rocks. Lots of rocks… maybe shale, but maybe some type of igneous: dark, heavy, and broke along even planes; extremely weathered, with big cracks that look like the weathering from freezing water expanding as well as the weathering from wave and organic action.

You may be bored by all these names (and their links!), but I tell you what – we spent may good hours shoving aide that Ascophyllum and Fucus, counting barnacles and muscles, putting little snails into that tupperware container and getting excited because we found a crab in our quadrant. My knees began hurting after about 15 meters (we went in 1-meter increments), and finally at about 20 meters they just plain wouldn’t straighten up. I tried to stand, and they wouldn’t bend – too much pain. Suddenly I remembered why I quit cross country, and why I need a new back. My group worked hard; we’d chosen a long stretch of beach and started in a section way above where anybody else started. At about 6:00 the sun set; by 6:30 it was getting pretty dark; by 7:00 we could hardly see. Even so, we hadn’t finished – so we gave up. We picked a fairly interesting stretch still five to ten meters from the water, picked it over, and called it quits. We didn’t even get to see the tunicates, which are eurochordates, the closest thing to a chordate we could’ve seen the whole time (barring ourselves). The big excitement for the guys of the class was one point when a TA found a couple of crabs “doing it,” and all the males rushed over to watch. Typical.

So we left a little after 7:00, but didn’t arrive back at Clark until just before 9:00. By then my muscles had set, my rear hurt, I was exhausted: so I walked to E’s house (unmolested, happily) and he drove me home. At least we got to chat a little bit then, but I feel like I don’t get to see him often enough… Our relationship reminds me of the Mark McGuinn song Always On the Run. Anyway, that was my field trip. I have another one possibly next Saturday, but it’s optional for Geology so since it’s from 10:30 – 6:00 and doesn’t pertain to geology, I think I may forgo that thriller. I have to go see my spacey prof some time Monday anyway, I guess I’ll just un-sign up then.

I wish I had some friends.

– KF –

Field Trip Day!

So today I go on my first field trip in probably 3 years … since Junior year at BCS and we went to the UW Libraries. Amazingly enough, we’re going to be taking a school bus. That’s equalized by the fact that the trip is to a beach. I’m a little apprehensive because we have to write a paper on what we find, and I generally don’t do well at identifying organisms, but then I honestly have no idea what she’s going to have us do. I can say that I’m enthusiastic about spending hours on an Atlantic Ocean beach, having only spent time on the Pacific. This is technically to the Nahant Marine Science Center run by Northeastern – an evidence of collaboration between educational thingymabobs. Institutions.

I am getting miffed by my math class. Currently we’re learning how to plot straight lines, truly. Y = mx+b type stuff that makes me question my IQ if this was the *only* math class I could place into. The irony being that I don’t even need to take this low-level course if I desire to major in English at all, and it doesn’t fill my Formal Analysis requirement, either. What a wasted semester! This whole thing started bothering me until I realized it’s probably God trying to teach me something: patience, perhaps, or showing me that you can’t be too serious about everything all the time. I think I’m too serious, and that keeps me from having many friends. Still, I keep trying, and at least this math class should be a breeze.

– KF –

Thoughts

Piers Anthony sounds like a grudge-holding jerk.

Cool and overcast makes a Seattlite happy.

As I sought for meaning Christ found me and showed me the way to true joy.

A powerful wooden horse is nothing compared to a steamroller.

Sometimes the silliest photographs are the most loved.

“You” isn’t what you look like, it’s who you act like.

Fountain pens are the only pen to use unless it’s raining.

Free time is a boon; too much free time is a bane.

Logic is an idea the illogical despise for lack of understanding.

Clever phrases never saved a soul. Neither did the Gospel Walnut.

I’ve spent too much time alone in the last two weeks.

There’s a difference between a 4-digit, all-number pin and an 8-digit some letters, some numbers password – ease of guessing.

Hands-on geology is far more interesting and helpful than esoteric expostulation.

Interestingly, I saw only Lesley today briefly, but am not bothered.

Only breakfast makes you hungry by afternoon.

I have to go back to Clark tomorrow – where’s the justice?

I’m going to stop now.

– KF –

Later That Day…

The day was good. I got to hang out with Lesley after her class; she’s one cool girl, so that’s always a good time. Sadly, I can’t say a lot more happened. I waited around at Clark for 5 hours to meet with my advisor, and when we met his first words were, “I’ve got some bad news for you…” The bad news turned out to be that part-time professors apparently aren’t allowed to advise students, and he only teaches one class here at Clark. But I want to do journalism, and our interests match well so he’d be a great advisor! Die, Clark bureaucracy! Anyway, I think I’ll keep talking to him occasionally because I think he’ll be more helpful than any normal English prof advisor I could get. I’m going to take Mom’s advice and stop talking now – cause I don’t have anything nice to say about Clark currently.

Here’s a weird thought… what if we could speed up time at will? Would you go to sleep, and never wake up? If you did, what would everybody else have experienced? Would you be young and they old, or would you just go through everything as if you were in a fast-forwarded movie?

Though for a good laugh try this link.

– KF –

Whew!

Here I am, fresh out of my exam. I studied plenty in the last 24 hours, and a reasonable amount the week prior to it. Really, considering everything, I feel pretty darn good. I knew 22/25 multiple choice questions off the top of my head, meaning I had to take educated guesses on three of them. There were 5 short answer questions, and unless I am far more confused that I ought to be, they weren’t too difficult. Trouble came only when she asked for some details on a scientific paper that I’d read a couple times but didn’t understand perfectly. Still, I was the first person done in the class, taking 35 minutes total, and I kind of lollygagged around checking my answers because I didn’t want to be the first one to turn an exam in (oh well).

Right now I’m practicing breathing again… At least until I begin studying for my Geology exam. It’s a good feeling to finish an exam – like finishing a Cross Country race, but without the puking part. More thoughts to come, as I have 5 hours alone here until I am scheduled to meet my advisor. (Darn him for making a 4:30 appointment!)

– KF –