I hate life. Jess is gone, I have no friends, I am a stupid fat loser and can’t even succeed in school. I am too serious and sincere; everything I do is laughed at. Screw you Luke, I can’t be funny all the time – screw you all. I’m not some stupid WPI guy who thinks quoting Strong Bad is the epitome of cool. I hate living here because I can’t make any real friends. Everybody hides behind their stupid hilarity, making each other laugh – well they’re all weak. Making a joke is the weak way out, it’s keeping everybody at an arm’s length. I can’t live this way much longer, never seeing my Clarkies and trying to be funny all the time. I AM NOT A FUNNY PERSON, I cannot laugh all the time. I can barely find reason to LIVE, why should I try to make you like me? I can’t, obviously, I’m too serious – I hate “funny people”!
This is no way to live. I want to curl up and hide forever, but I can’t because there’s too much life ahead of me. Maybe something better will come along; who knows. But I never want to hear another clever wisecrack again, because – here’s the truth of the matter – I am too stupid to keep up. No matter how hard I try I constantly fail, so why should I keep trying? I don’t care what it means, I am never going to try to make you like me again. I will be alone and die alone because I can’t live alone. I will fail my exam because I was trying to be “fun” and “sociable” and look what it got me: another affirmation of what a freak I am, always looking at life seriously and “never able to take a joke.” Haha, just a joke. WELL THINK IN THE FUTURE BEFORE YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH! Good Lord, does anybody think anymore? Life isn’t all about making other people laugh, it’s about forming meaningful relationships! How meaningful can life be when you can not speak all summer and get right back to your pathetic shallow talk about class and games and the Internet? But then, who really cares? In two years I’ll never see any of these people again, so why should I even try? …but I do, because I’m so lonely I think I would be happier if somebody abandoned me in the Cascades with only my Leatherman.
Oh I know it was only a joke – only a joke, no harm meant! Most innocent of jokes, hahahahaah. Just like every day for the past who-knows-how-long. OK, fine, a joke, but it’s been enough jokes! Nobody cares, but I need real relationships. Yes they include joking, but they include normal talking too, talking about things that are sad and things that are worrisome. That’s fine, I know that I’m not remotely interesting when it comes to that type of relationship. I never have been, never will be. But all I know is I can’t stand this “I’m your friend but all I’ll do is kid around” business. Enough, I’m not playing that game anymore. I’ll come across as sullen and difficult maybe, but who cares? Nobody, because I’m not worth investing trust or caring into – just an endless well to dump laughs at and maybe one will make a little plinking sound when it hits bottom. The bottom’s just fallen out.
– KF –