Snow Fun

It was snowing this morning when I left to catch an early bus at 6:29. The roads were clear but the heavy flurries of flakes made it difficult to see. The bus drove through a mess of snow on the freeway, followed by some very cold rain when we got downtown. (Similar, if sightly warmer, weather is forecasted for the foreseeable future. Not a great sign for happy commuting.)

When I got my bike off the bus, the side facing out was caked with slush. This is what it looked like after I rode it down to the parking garage and a bunch of slush fell off.

On top of this, I am spending the whole day today and tomorrow in training, which means arriving at 7:30 am, and then I need to stay late to actually get some work done afterwards.

For some added fun, Benji has also come down with a nasty cold. He coughed so much he vomited yesterday afternoon, but slept OK overnight with massive help from the humidifier. Naturally, this happens right when I’m gone extra-long days.

I’ll be honest: I wish this week was done.

Evening update: I rode my bike home. The first couple miles, I rode through an inch of melty slush that fell right before I left. The traffic through downtown was literally stopped pretty much everywhere, and I saw many forlorn people waiting for buses that were probably laughably far off their schedules. As I left the parking garage, I heard the cop whose job it is to help cars turn out into traffic ask the driver next to me, “Where you going?” [inaudible response – maybe Bellevue?] “Well, good luck!” –I later learned that freeways were intermittently shut down much of the day.

I had a very slow commute, despite trying to maintain a decent pace, and I’m not sure why. It wasn’t the road conditions — after I crossed Mercer St. on Dexter, the slush miraculously vanished, leaving wet roads and increasingly chilly temperatures. But by some miracle I didn’t even get precipitated on at all — no wintry mix, no mixed rain/sleet, no freezing rain, not even any regular old rain. It all paused for a couple hours while I rode home.

I know I should be grateful (on many levels! By catching an hour earlier bus, I missed the bad morning traffic; by riding home, I missed the evening commute snarl), but I finished just feeling depressed that it was my slowest commute in several weeks. My LEGS felt like I was going 20 mph but somehow my speedometer kept saying closer to 15 mph. Sigh.

Also, Benji spiked a fever during the day, which means he has to miss school tomorrow, and tomorrow is the day his class is going to visit the vet clinic. Darn it! I am grateful, however, that my mom is able to take Benji for a second day in a row and for a third day this week. Benji’s doctor approved a small dose of cold medicine to help with the coughing, which has gotten really bad and is keeping him from sleeping.

WHY, universe, WHY??????

Slough of Despond

Day’s Verse:
“The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge,
my shield and the horn of my salvation.
He is my stronghold, my refuge and my savior…”

2 Samuel 22:2-3

Do you ever want to run screaming from your own life? It’s funny; I took this internship that we all agreed was perfect for me, combining my interests in biking, nonprofits, living in Seattle…the whole deal. What could be better?

Now, though, I’m at the end of my tether. Last night I broke down and just started weeping, paralyzed, with a pile of laundry in my arms. I couldn’t do anything. I just stood there and wept out of desperation and misery, my inability to handle everything that’s converging in my life overwhelming me in one fell swoop. It was terrible. Anne of Green Gables would have called it “the depths of despair”; I truly felt (and to some extent still feel; after all, nothing’s changed since last night) that I couldn’t move, couldn’t do any more. That all my reserves were gone and I couldn’t force myself to keep going any longer.

As a result, I’m having a difficult time finding much motivation to work hard or, honestly, work at all. I’d like to take a day off, but I’m behind in AmeriCorps hours. We are house- and cat-sitting through the 31st, and of course also house-hunting, and those (especially the impending terror of spending nearly all our money on one huge, permanent choice, and committing to spend a hefty portion of Ian’s monthly salary) have added to the sense of chaos as I struggle to find some solid ground in the quagmire that is my life.

I keep telling myself, “Just make it through this week,” but somehow the next week doesn’t turn out any better. I wish we had a permanent home. Or that I had something predictable in my life somewhere.