They’re here, and the whole thing is far, far worse than I thought it could be. For all I like my friends, having them here all of yesterday with the knowledge of many such days stretching into the future just makes me want to cry. I realize this *is* the internet, so I will not say too much, but friends can be tiringly high maintenance. Last night I just wanted to retreat to our nice cozy room and do all our nighttime rituals. I suppose part of having friends is making sacrifices for them… Perhaps this isn’t fair of me, but I really feel like I put way more into relationships than any of my friends. If somebody is upset or troubled, I have stayed up during the night on the day before an exam to be there. I listen to peoples’ problems and sympathize. I act as hostess when I hate doing that – always have, even at home, only now the pressure is much worse because this is MY home, and it is MY responsibility to entertain guests.

As soon as I saw Jess I knew things weren’t going particularly well for her (even for her); for all we have a “completely honest” relationship some things have obviously not been said. I thought about this last night for a time. The thing that kills an honest relationship is hiding things or deceiving your friend. Why would you do that? Here’s an idea: because a) You aren’t brave enough to be completely honest; b) You don’t completely trust your friend in reality; c) You don’t care to tell them for some reason or another; or d) You don’t think they would care or understand. I don’t know which of those apply here, but I have the feeling that it’s a combination. Mostly last night, however, I was feeling that d) was most applicable. After all, how could I understand what somebody who’s unhappy is feeling? Look at my life: oh it’s so great. I’m married, I eat well, I do alright in classes, I’m in college, I’m fairly mentally stable. Why would somebody confide in me when my life is “great” like it is? I don’t have problems: how could I understand if you did? The bottom line is I am so disgustingly boring and normal that I am no good for talking to seriously.

I hate what I’m living right now. I don’t like how I look at all – less than I ever have before. I’m in college, but to what end? I don’t care about it; I don’t care about any of this stuff I’m pretending to do right now. Frankly, I would be perfectly happy just to curl up and sleep all day (only of course now I can’t sleep at night even if I’m exhausted), not do anything. I have to make a point of staying away from sharp objects when I’m alone and make a point of eating regularly. Then when I do eat regularly I feel guilty – why was I eating in the first place? Here it’s Thanksgiving day and the idea of food sounds completely abhorrent to me (apparently it is to Jess too, because she refused to eat anything but Muddy Buddies last night. Great), especially the idea of watching a bunch of guys gorge themselves on meat and potatoes. Mmmm let’s eat until we feel like throwing up, and then wait a while, and then do it some more! What an incredibly stupid holiday. I am willing to bet the majority of the country doesn’t even think of the idea it is Thanks-Giving Day, not just a day to waste a lot of money on food you will shortly be exceedingly tired of. I repeat again: what an incredibly inane and idiotic holiday. I think that I will make a point of refusing to eat today. And tomorrow. And the next day. Maybe some day I will be less normally dull and finally be interesting enough to talk to.

– KF –

3 thoughts on “Sinking Feeling

  1. Katie… I’m not sure what’s going on but I get pretty concerned for you, you know. I consider you a very good friend of mine and try to be one to you. Even if we can’t see each other every day, you know I love your company and it makes me sad that you feel this way about yourself. I know it isn’t always like this, and that you can be happy, but I do understand how sadness can take over. It happens to me too but I’m fighting it with a vengence these days since I saw how it’s been affecting my relationship with Todd.

    I hope that whatever you’re going through can be rectified as quickly and happily as possible. Yeah, my mom made this huge meal and there are only 5 of us, but we’re having more company on Saturday.. it seems silly. But I think it’s just kind of fun to have some special time with people you want to spend time with.

    You haven’t seen Jess in a very long time, and I really hope things are okay. Please eat, Katie. I worry about you when you hint at hurting yourself or not eating. It’s not the answer. Remember those good things that you listed? Think of those, and not in a deprecating way. Remember that you are loved by many and you’re *not* a dull and boring person!

  2. Katie–I would do anything I could to make you feel better right now. I wish I could.

    If you don’t like the eating aspect of Thanksgiving then focus on the thanks-giving of it. It sounds trite but “count your blessings.” Believe people when they say they care about you.

    Give the others the gift of enjoying this day even if you don’t feel great about it.

  3. Dear Katie,You are loved by family,always.Don’t let Satan ruin the visit of your friends with negative thoughts about yourself,or the reason for giving thanks. I would like to talk to you on a personal level about your feeling,I have been there also. You decide and when we see you at Christmas let me know. Love and Ian, GMIL

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