“Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.”
I am amazed. Today a carpool from First Alliance Church picked me up (they said “Hi, Katie”, so that was good); when I got there and received the bulletin, what was the message titled but “Everyting Is OK.” After a terrible night last night fighting for hours with Ian, I don’t think I could have gone to a better place. God is truly guiding me these days. The message focused on Matthew 5:5, “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.” The pastor talked about a couple passages in 2 Samuel where King David was exiled and encountered a guy named Shimei who started cursing David and throwing rocks and dirt at him. Instead of taking his advisors’ advice – “this guy is a dead dog. Let me chop his head off” – David said, “No; if God has compelled this man to curse me, who am I to stop him? And one day, God will bless me for not killing this man.” So David took the cursing and in the end God blessed him by returning him to kinship of Israel. Then David met Shimei again, and Shimei begged for his life; David never mentioned Shimei’s prior behavior, but forgave him unconditionally. If David, a man after God’s own heart, could be cursed and forgive completely, never bringing up the cruelty of his persecutor, I can do the same thing. After church the pastor gave me a little new visitor’s present and asked if they could come visit some time – I said “sure!” because any visitors are welcome during this lonely term. Plus, how often do church people come visit?? We’ll see how that goes.
I had a revelation last night while reading a marriage book. It said that to be harmoniously married, both partners need to have a healthy view of themselves. I know I’ve heard that before, but this just really struck me. Here we’ve done everything we can to start our marriage off right, and my entire self esteem is completely off. By being critical of myself and maintaining a terrible self image, I am unintentionally undermining everything we’re working so hard towards. I know it sounds obvious, but if there’s one thing I care about more than anything else, it’s the wellbeing of my and Ian’s marriage. Ian and I have gone out of our way to have a healthy relationship; now I realize that to have a truly strong marriage I need to let go of my self-criticism and accept this truth: that God made me how I am for a reason. Not everything is my fault. All I can do is my best. Begin internalizing the truth that nobody is perfect, accepting it and knowing that when I am comfortable as me, our marriage will never disintegrate. Believing that in my heart – that’s my birthday present to you, Ian. No more always blaming myself. I am who God made me to be – child of God, Ian’s wife, Katie Ferguson, student, woman, friend.
But what I’d really like to know is: Cotton Eye Joe, where did you come from? Where did you go? Where did you come from, Cotton Eye Joe?
– KF –
41 days to Ian (or is it Ben? Hahahah)