Love… endures all things.
1 Cor. 13:7
Either “lonely” or “perseverance.” Only a few weeks have elapsed, but I’d swear that I have aged ten years. For lonely, I count my close Clark friends a completely loss: I may yet see the people, but the closeness has gone. I am a shadow on the wall, a living doorstop, an echo. For perseverance, of course, I have this: the loss of Jess as a close friend, the brief removal of my husband, and the struggle in classes. (Pudd’nhead!) I still have not thought of anything I like about Clark. However, this has been suggested to me as an alternate to either pausing my education or sticking with my rather uninspiring English major: the WPI Technical Communications major. It would be my third change of majors in three years, for it would go into effect next year. What are the pros and cons? I would go to WPI, suffer their gruelling 7 week schedule, pay more than I do for Clark – probably substantially more, since I doubt WPI would be as generous with me as Clark was. I would take probably an additional year of college, and that means three years in Worcester when the idea of two is enough to make a body weep. On the other hand, I would get a major more practical than English, for the desire for technical writers is great; this would, as Ian said, be an “average” between a Bio major and English major; though we would have to rent the apartment longer, its general situation would be much handier for both of us; and Ian added that we would get to see each other during the day. As it is, I basically “go off to work,” and we reconvene in the evenings. Unless Ian is gallavanting off in the British Isles instead. So? If I don’t switch, I don’t know if I will want to reenroll at Clark next year. Finishing college once in Washington won’t be any easier than it would be to “simply” transfer to WPI here. Frankly, I’m leaning towards applying to WPI as a transfer student, anyways. I’m a smart girl – how could they turn me down?! If I get accepted, then I guess I really would have a choice on my hands.
I see Lesley, and she’s transitioning alright. This was her struggle last semester; she made her choice and seems to be doing well, not regretting anything. But what if I’m not smart enough? Or not motivated enough? Seven weeks, it’s so short it’s ridiculous. I hated that frantic aspect of my Arch class, but then maybe it was also being forced to read three books in that time, one of them being at least 4″ thick. Can’t be guaranteed that wouldn’t be involved in this major too, and then there’s the Suff/IQP/MQP trio to terrify me…
Then again, if my lack of motivation runs too deep, I won’t even be able to pull through the seven week term; I’ll fail as I expect to and end up… what? In Ian’s mother’s situation? Is her life so terrible? HECK NO, she basically lives the life that I hope for when I’m her age (out of deference, I’m definitely not revealing that). But if I’m smart enough to get a degree – Deborah certainly is/was – why should I not? Aside from the fact that doing so could very easily endanger our financial security, and I hold that very dear. If only I could not worry that we will run out of money. I feel so concerned sometimes I don’t even want to buy food, and how ridiculous is that? Not very, if you’re constantly convinced that you are already too fat and don’t deserve to eat. It’s simply ‘justification.’
Maybe nobody wants to see this, but I am once again amazed by the things ThinkGeek puts out. Such as these HTTPanties. Equally good, and way less racey, we have the Giantmicrobes. Oh they’re so cute, they just make you want to get the flu, or at least a common cold. I expressed my general thoughts to Ian: “Maybe I’ll get me a flu. Aw, but the cold is so cute too. And the stomach ache is nice as well.”
If only there was somebody to ask for a straight: “This is what you should do with your life,” and then go with that. God offers guidance, but He’s never quite as overt as one would hope.
– KF –
38 days to my husband.