Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.
Dear Price Chopper,
I am sorry to say that if you weren’t the only grocery store within reasonable walking distance of my apartment, I would spurn you like the plague. Don’t think I’m an unreasonable person, though. I have reasons for my statement. Consider:
- You raised the price of Italian Bread from $0.99 to $1.39 completely unnecessarily. Then, to add insult to injury, you started slicing said bread, which ruins the charm of Italian Bread entirely.
- You suddenly stopped carrying Las Palmas Enchilada sauce, which is as everybody knows the only enchilada sauce worth using, and now charge $2.50 for a microscopic can of crap-o enchilada sauce. Plus, the crap-o sauce cans are of a size that requires use of at least 3 cans to make appropriately saucy enchiladas.
- Your employees’ intelligence ranges on the high end from paramecia to the low end, somewhere in the range of horse apples.
- Your food is vastly overpriced, a fact you hide by giving “Price Chopper AdvantEdge bonuses” that lower the prices back to normal.
- Your produce is rarely as fresh as you claim and apples always cost $1.29/lb.
- You are sleazy.
For these reasons, I believe that you deserve to be bought out with junk bonds and sold off piecemeal to the lowest bidder. Then your disgruntled “customers,” most of whom frequent your establishment for the same reason I do, could commandeer crowbars, jackhammers, and bulldozers to take every one of your slimy grocery stores apart brick by brick.