You turned my wailing into dancing;
you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.
O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever.
Sometimes reading the news really pays off. For instance, consider the Seattle Times article titled “Man rubbed with spices, other beaten with sausage.” You might wonder, as I did, Why would a man be rubbed with spices or beaten with a sausage? This probably would lead you, as it led me, to read the article for more information. Unfortunately, you only get a few more tantalizing details:
- This took place in Fresno.
- The suspect, a 22-year-old random stranger, broke into the house of a couple guys and rubbed spices on the body of a sleeping man.
- The suspect used sausages from the kitchen to “whack the other man in the face and head before he [the suspect] fled.”
- The suspect was not wearing pants.
- The suspect left his wallet and ID behind.
- The suspect stole money, but it was later recovered.
- A dog ate the sausage (“That’s right, the dog ate the weapon,” Burrimond said.)
If you’re like me, these details really just raise more questions than they answer:
- What does Fresno have to do with anything?
- Why did the suspect take spices from the kitchen in the first place?
- Why did the suspect rub the spices on Dude 1?
- What kind of spices were they?
- How did Dude 1 sleep through having spices rubbed on him?
- Why would the suspect whack Dude 2 in the face with a sausage instead of something more effective like, say, a stick?
- Was Dude 2 trying to stop the suspect?
- Why didn’t the suspect have pants on?
- Why did he steal money but leave his wallet?
- Where did the sausage-eating dog come from?
Quite frankly, I found the whole article frightfully dissatisfying, because it created more questions than it answered. In fact, it never even answered the first question, but simply provided fodder for spawning even MORE questions. On the bright side, I can imagine this vignette as a wildly popular YouTube video.