I keep deleting and rewriting this post, because I don’t want to make it sound like I’m callously walking away from the life Ian and I built, turning my back with nary a twinge. Every time I write something, it comes out sounding like I’m unalloyed happy to be going through this process.
Nothing could be further from the truth: I have good days and bad days. Good days, I optimistically look forward to a future where Ian and I co-parent Benji collaboratively and with goodwill toward each other, but continue growing and pursuing our lives otherwise independently. Bad days, I go for 10 miles of walks and then take a break by going for a long car drive because I’m too restless and anxious from all the change, afraid I’m selfishly pursuing a course that will irreparably damage Benji.
So, by no means pure joyful anticipation.
However, while I try to reflect the reality I’m perceiving on this blog, I also try to keep the tone positive, to find something hopeful in whatever I’m experiencing. This isn’t some fake internet thing — I really think this way. But in situations like this divorce, it may seem like I’m just all happy about it, when what I’m really doing is looking forward to find something to be optimistic about.
There’s plenty of garbage floating around, and while I may have to wallow through it for a while, I’m focused on getting out the other side. No need to sort through it and spread it around here.
I’m going to try to walk a line, balancing the honesty I like to offer here with the fact that this is a deeply painful and personal reality that we’re still accepting and adapting to. But if I have posts about, say, living at my parents’ house, apartment hunting, etc., that make it sound like everything is great, remember: This is still the internet. There’s always more to life than what I’m going to put up here.